Lloyd Blankfein “Saves Humanity”, Donates Brain to Science

Apr 02, 2012

Still loathed by the international public four years after precipitating the greatest economic collapse since the Great Depression, American investment bank Goldman Sachs has found itself in a new quandary as the firm faces allegations that it invested in a company that runs a child sex trafficking website.

Upon being presented the allegations by the New York Times the mega-connected Wall Street firm quickly divested its interest in a private equity fund which held a stake in Village Voice Media , the company that runs the website in question. However, Goldman's CEO has gone further, personally vowing to never let such a thing happen again.

 "Maybe we can create children with the genes for success, and not the genes for sex slavery."

At a press conference in Goldman Sachs's New York headquarters CEO Lloyd Blankfein - who once described Goldman's mission to make money for its shareholders as "gods work" - announced  that upon his passing he will be donating his brain to science so that the world will "finally understand how more people can be successful like me".  He explained that if science could decode the genes for success, fewer people would be forced into sex trafficking for money:

"If we could somehow isolate the biochemical basis that makes people like me so good with money perhaps we could create a drug or gene therapy or something that passes that secret on to the rest of humanity's children. Generally speaking, children with money do not fall victim to sex traffickers. If we can isolate what it is about me - Lloyd Blankfein - that makes me so damn good with money, maybe we can create children with the genes for success, and not the genes for sex slavery."

Pressed by reporters about why he couldn't simply update Goldman's internal investment guidelines to exclude firms involved in sex trafficking,  Blankfein explained, "That's too easy. That's a band aid. Besides if we don't make money off of sex trafficking, someone else will. Does giving up our dollar to Nomura or Barclays solve anything? No. I'm interested in solving this problem from the bottom-up, not the top-down. We need to stop these kids from being poor and vulnerable in the first place. And that means making them more like me."

No word on which research instiution will receive Blankfein's brain, however observers are betting on the Weill Cornell Medical College, where he serves on the Board of Overseers.