America was stunned today to learn that several of that nation's top media personalities from its two highest rated twenty-four hour news networks have been killed during a charity sporting event meant to raise money for sick children.
Newsanchors from the left-leaning MSNBC network and the right-leaning Fox News Channel met yesterday in New York's Central Park for the 5th Annual Swing for the Cure event sponsored by the National Alliance for Childhood Leukemia (NACL).
"It was like Fallujah. There were limbs everywhere. "
The trouble started in the thrid inning when MSNBC's Lawrence O'Donnell was at bat and began taunting Fox's Sean Hannity - who was behind home plate playing catcher:
"O'Donnell was saying something about Hannity being the 'catcher at home'," an observer explains, " I wasn't sure what that meant, but after the 11th time he said it Hannity took his bat away and connected it with his face."
Bare and Unbalanced
A bench-clearning brawl ensued and quickly escalated into deadly violence as it became clear that the blow to O'Donnell had been fatal.
"They were all piled together in the middle of the field. All the MSNBC people were saying Hannity was a murderous Nazi who should be hanged. All the Fox people were saying O'Donnell was a communist thug that deserved his fate. It was ugly."
MSNBC's fiesty Tamron Hall scored the first kill for her side when she blindsided Hannity from behind with a punch to the temple.
"I was impressed with her fighting style," said an onlooker, "She clearly has some familiarity with military combat training."
The Fox side responded quickly as Gretchen Carlson cornered Joe Scarborough and shrieked into his ear until his eye sockets exploded.
Carlson herself was later crushed under the weight of the mob in what police are describe as "friendly fire".
Maddow's Mower
The brawl reached its deadly conclusion - however - when MSNBC host Rachel Maddow emerged from nowhere riding a combine harvester, which she used to disperse the combatants whilst killing Steve Doocy, Brian Kimeade, and Bill O'Reilly in the machine's thresher.
She explained later to police "We did a piece once on the history of organic farming in the park. I knew there was one of these around somewhere.... It had to end somehow, and I prefered to end it with us on top."
One U.S. veteren in the audience described the scene afterwards : ""It was like Fallujah. There were limbs everywhere. "
Three childhood leukiema sufferers who had been invited to watch the game are currently on psychiatric hold at Columbia Medical Center.
The networks have generously promised to pay their medical experiences.
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