Glenn Beck Introduces Gold-Plated Muslim Detector

Jul 05, 2012

Glenn Beck - the conservative American talk show host and former alcoholic morning radio clown - has introduced a new product which promises to revolutionize the U.S. home Muslim detection market.

For the low, low price of only 4 payments of $199 Glenn Beck fans can now buy their own personal gold-plated Muslim detector, which Beck describes as "the ultimate jihad-aversion device for freedom-loving, god-fearing Americans."

The Beck Muslimator 2000 is a portable cylindrical sensor designed to be pointed at individuals suspected of perhaps being Muslims. A readout display attached to the device gives an answer with three choices: Saved, Pagan, or Muslim.

Beck claimed on his live internet show last night that the Muslimator is equipped with the latest "transpositional theocratic pheromone sensing technology" which allows for a 96.7% accuracy rate in detecting someone's creed. He also claimed that it was made of solid gold and would quadruple in value within a year.

However, experts at a leading technology blog have performed a teardown on the device, and dispute Beck's description:

"Its basically just a children's toy painted gold and glued to a screen which randomly generates religions. It probably cost about 4 dollars to build," says a prominent tech blogger who asked not to be named out of fear Google would forever record his name and Beck's in the same HTML file.

Non Teneas Aurum...

Despite its childish origins, even Glenn Beck's most sophisticated fans are overjoyed by the device's merits.

"I can't believe I ever lived without this," says Shirley Thompson, a homemaker in Fayetteville, Arkansas who has been beta testing the Muslimator for 2 months:

"There was a young gentleman on this bus the other day with a beard who looked very Middle Eastern. Luckily I used Beck's Muslimator 2000 and figured out that he was really just a homeless Italian."

"Thank you Glenn Beck! 800 dollars isn't too much to pay for my piece of mind."

Charles P. Cunningham, a 73 year old retired tobacco farmer in Durham, North Carolina, has also been using the new technology "I took my Muslimator into my doctor's office because my new lung guy says his name is Sanjay or whatever."

"He's says he's not a Muslim, but I just don't trust him. So I pointed it in his face and told him to send me his theocratic pheromones so I can test 'em."

"Yeah...I've been on this thing called Abilify ever sense. Haven't seen too many Muslims 'round since then."

Observers expect sales of the device to be strong. A media analyst at Citigroup explains:

"This is like the iPad for Glen Beck fans"