Former child television star and flaming heterosexual Kirk Cameron announced today that he has created a clinic dedicated to curing homosexuality though the so-called "breastfeeding method".
The technique, first described by Missouri Congressman Todd Akin, involves breastfeeding adult male homosexuals for at least four weeks in hopes the constant attachment to a female sex organ reorients their sexuality.
In an interview with Christian radio station KKLA , the former Growing Pains star [not Leonardo DiCaprio, the other one] says that as soon as he heard about the controversial procedure he knew he had to get involved.
"I remember exactly where I was when I first heard we had a cure, Cameron explains, "I had just landed at LAX from a trip to Key West. I refreshed my Twitter and saw Akin's interview."
"I was dumbfounded. I immediately called Pedro, my personal masseuse and science adviser, and I asked him 'is this for real?' He said 'as real as it'll ever be.' And that was enough for me. I was in."
Sugar Daddies, Bitter Mommies
Cameron says he's lined up donations from Christian mega donors and is currently looking for real estate in the Castro neighborhood of San Francisco and the West Hollywood area of Los Angeles, where he plans to set up his first two clinics.
"Guys like Foster Friess and the Chick-Fil-A corporation have been very generous," he says, "We don't have to worry about money."
However, despite its large, ample and growing bank account the project - tentatively named Nectar-of-Life Ministries - is not without its difficulties.
"It turns out its very hard to find lactating women willing to allow a gay man feed from their breasts. I was kinda surprised by that. Don't women realize what's at stake here? I mean we have a cure! Come on ladies line up and do your part!"
He says that without an influx of volunteers he may have to resort to hiring wet nurses from the Philippines.
"We'd rather do this the American way, but if good American women won't step up and serve their country, we might sadly have to outsource the live breastfeeding part."
Gay rights organizations have expressed growing concern at the "spray-the-gay away" movement, which has took the evangelical world by storm in recent days.
Susanne Salkind. managing director for the Human Rights Campaign tells The Daily Currant:
"That guy from Growing Pains is clearly bitter because his little brother on the show went on to become Leonardo DiCaprio and he become nothing. There is no evidence that homosexuality is a disease that needs to be cured."
"Maybe Curt or whatever his name is should focus on finding a new agent rather than finding new ways to prove to himself he"s not gay."