CERN Bombed By Radical String Theorists

Oct 04, 2012

The international particle physics laboratory CERN was bombed today by radical terrorists from a rival school of theoretical physics.

The Calabi-Yau Martyr Squadron, an extremist group associated with string theory claimed responsibility for the attack, which caused no injuries but severely damaged CERN's particle accelerator - the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) .

In a video uploaded to Youtube, a spokesman for the CYMS justified the bombing by arguing that CERN had blasphemed against the doctrine of string theory:

"The Prophet Susskind, blessed be his name, never predicted a Higgs Boson at 125 GeV. We demand that CERN retract its statement that it has found the Higgs at this energy level and destroy all of the equipment used in the fabrication of such a lie."

Special Negativity

CERN was set up largely to search for the Higgs Boson, a key particle predicted by the Standard Model but which had never been observed.

This summer the laboratory announced that the LHC had discovered the particle, reaffirming the preeminence of physics' prevailing theory.

Some believe that some aspects of superstring theory may be debunked if CERN continues to find evidence to support the standard model.

Among those scientists whose work could be sidelined is Leonard Susskind, one of the fathers of string theory, whom the Calabi-Yau regard as divine. Their video makes clear the consequences if CERN refuses to refute its own research:

"CERN has 30 days to respond to our request or another, more deadly attack will follow. The Calabi-Yau will not tolerate further blasphemy. Glory be to the Prophet Susskind!"

Imagine All The People...

The Calabi-Yau take their name from a type of manifold predicted by string theory to be the shape of extra dimensions in space-time. The group had previously been linked to a bombing at the National Academy of Sciences and an attempted hijacking of a cargo ship carrying critical parts to CERN.

Charles Beaupont, a spokesperson for the laboratory, says that the damage to the LHC can be repaired, and the Swiss government has assured the organization that it will step up security around the facility.

The always modest Pope Benedict XVI also weighed in on the bombing, making a desperately needed appeal to our common humanity:

"Unfortunately the scourge of radical science has not yet been extinguished from this Earth. I hope this incident will force the world's population to turn their backs on the siren song of reason, and accept Jesus Christ - the Prince of Peace - as their personal Lord and Savior."