Steve Jobs Almost Done Reinventing Heaven

Oct 05, 2012

Former Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs has almost finished his year-long project of reinventing heaven, The Daily Currant can reveal.

The 56-year-old began his mission to improve eternity's user experience shortly after arriving last October, following a long battle with pancreatic cancer.

Distressed by the stuffy atmosphere behind the pearly gates, Jobs organized a non-profit organization with the goal of remolding heaven in the consumers' image.

His efforts over the last year have transformed the once staid, austere Beyond of medieval lore into a modern realm of simplistic elegance. Long time residents gush about the changes saying they haven't been happier in millennia.

The Ones Who Do

In an exclusive interview, Jobs reveals his motivation for the movement and explains how his efforts have transformed post-corporeal society:

"When I first arrived here, I was certainly impressed. Heaven was more wonderful than I had imagined. You can see all your relatives. And meet interesting people from the past. There's no pain or hunger or suffering."

"But after awhile, I began to realize that not everything was optimized perfectly. Things had been done a certain way for so long, the ethos of continual improvement had stagnated."

"So I thought, let's see if we can do something different. I got some of my friends together - including Da VinciEinstein, Hafez, DarwinMonet, and Michelangelo - and we decided to come up with some changes."

Beauty Walks a Razor's Edge

"The first thing we did is personalize the cloud system. Before everyone shared clouds with at least 5 other people. Privacy wasn't a problem, because there was plenty of haze. But having to worry about roomates was a sub-optimal user experience."

"So now everyone has their own personal CloudPod, a self contained habitation and transportation apparatus. You can link your CloudPods together to form a bigger spaces for parties or if you want to live with someone."

"After we solved living arrangements, we took a hard look at the angels. Before everyone had access to one specific angel for the purposes of fulfilling wishes. The problem was that different angels were good at different things."

"So we created what I like to call the AngelBar, a specific cloud with multiple angels on it with varying talents. Residents can dock their CloudPods at the AngelBar and have the relevant Angel assigned to them."

The Answers My Friend...

Jobs explains that every aspect of heaven has been redesigned with aesthetics in mind:

"We've toned down the colors a bit, to give a more calming feeling. The sky is now more of a pastel blue, and the clouds more ivory than white."

"And we've replaced all the locally made harps with ones imported from a remote region of Paraguay. They're the best harps ever made. The cherubs can't stop playing them now."

Although the fundamental changes are almost complete, Jobs says his greatest achievement is yet to come: a giant concert hall carved from a single cumulonimbus that will hold more than 2 billion souls.

Preparation for the mega-project now consumes most of Jobs' time. He rises at six o'clock every morning for meetings with his concert team - which includes BeethovenAntoni Gaudi, and Jimi Hendrix.

Asked why after achieving so much in life, Jobs isn't taking more time to rest in the afterlife, he simply responds:

"Dying is no excuse to stop living."

 

  • Terry Smith

    Brilliant!

  • http://www.facebook.com/elbert.doolittle Steven Gournay

    His “friends” Leonardo, Michelangelo, Monet? After 25 years using Macs, developing carpal-tunnel, cluster-migraine syndrome, depression and chronic agonizing cyatica, and 3 months using a @)$(@!! Iphone—compared to drawing from the model for 50 years, based on those masters’ works—that is the funniest comparison I’ve ever heard in my life. As if. Jobs was a spoiled yuppy with some very clever consumer gadgets. Leonardo was divine. Big, big difference!

  • http://www.facebook.com/stormystorms Falcon D. Stormvoice

    Ha. Steve Jobs in heaven? Surely this is satire.