President Obama: ‘Don’t Call Me a Liberal’

Feb 11, 2013

liberalobamaPresident Barack Obama blasted the news media this morning for labeling him a "liberal," claiming that he has governed from the right during his presidency.

During a two-hour press conference at the White House, Obama became upset after a reporter asked if his policies are too liberal for the United States.

Obama retorted that he has routinely ignored liberal causes while embracing centrist and conservative policies.

“Did you see me protesting in Wisconsin with the unions or hanging out in an Occupy Wall Street camp drinking tea with Julian Assange or whoever?” Obama asked.

“Hell no! Just like President (George W.) Bush, I’ve spent a ton of money, I’ve surrounded myself with corporate cronies and I’ve meddled in almost every Middle East country,” he said. “I didn’t see any tea parties during his presidency!”

Obama described his proposed gun control measures as “lip service” to his own party, noting he plans to back down and compromise with Republicans as soon as possible.

Obama added: “I watch Fox News every night, but for some reason every time I’m mentioned I’m described as some liberal socialist Marxist. I don’t get it. Have O’Reilly and Hannity ever heard of Sweden?”

Obama said he is befuddled by the strong opposition from the Republican Party and the Tea Party throughout his presidency.

“I mean, the Republicans ran a guy from Taxachusetts against me. Taxachusetts!” Obama said, referring to 2012 candidate Mitt Romney.

Inter Arma Enim Silent Leges

Obama then faulted reporters for their inattention on how the military-industrial complex is still going strong under his presidency.

“What is this worldwide apology tour I’ve supposedly gone on?” Obama asked. “America is just as arrogant and bellicose as ever; just ask the Middle East. I’ve launched so many drones there that I make (former Vice President) Dick Cheney look like George McGovern.”

When asked about his policies of withdrawing troops from Iraq and Afghanistan, Obama said he had an ulterior motive.

“I started withdrawing the troops because we’re going to need them to invade Iran and North Korea,” he said. “That’s part of the reason we repealed Don’t Ask Don’t Tell, and why we’re going to allow women to be in combat. We're gonna need gays and women to fight our wars too.”

Corporate American

Obama also boasted about his support for the Wall Street bailouts and his refusal to prosecute anyone over the financial crisis.

“Look at my record: I hired Wall Street cronies like Tim Geithner and Larry Summers to work for me, I took millions in donations from Wall Street companies like Goldman Sachs, I got Jamie Dimon and Lloyd Blankfein on speed dial,” Obama said. “Did Lenin take over Russia with help from Wall Street?”

When questioned on taxes, Obama defended having the federal rates at a record low and for being reluctant to let the Bush-era tax cuts expire.

“The tax rates now are a fraction of what they were before me,” he added. “Wanna guess what people paid when Eisenhower or Nixon were president? Tea party people should be burning effigies of those guys, not me!”

Obama said he does not know why Obamacare, his signature health care reform, is often compared to systems in Europe though it's based on ideas proposed by Richard Nixon and other Republicans.

“There’s no single-payer care or public option like the liberals wanted, and I had the political will to include all that,” Obama said. “Instead, I’m requiring people to buy insurance from private insurance companies – the same companies whose lobbyists wrote big parts of that bill.

“This isn't exactly Eugene Debs,” Obama laughed, referring to the 20th century socialist activist.

To The Right of Ron Paul

On social and civil issues, Obama said he is not as liberal as he is portrayed in the media.

“We still arrest people for growing and possessing marijuana,” Obama said. “The drug war is going strong. Guantanamo Bay is open. Bradley Manning is being abused over Wikileaks.

“Come on: Ron Paul is more to the left on social issues than I am, and he’s the darling of the bloody Tea Party. How does that make any sense?”

Obama also said Vice President Joseph Biden forced his hand on gay marriage.

“Biden made another gaffe on gay marriage, so I went along with it just so we wouldn’t look silly,” Obama said. “It paid off in the 2012 election, I’ll admit.”

Obama also tore into Republican criticism of him regarding illegal immigration.

“I’ve been deporting Mexicans back to Mexico faster than you can say taco truck,” he fumed. “Net immigration to the United States is at zero. I mean, George W. Bush and Ronald Reagan wanted amnesty for Christ’s sake.”

Learn the differences  

Obama further questioned reporters if they understood the differences between Marxism, Socialism, Communism and American liberalism.

“If this were England, I’d be a bloody Tory,” Obama said, referring to the United Kingdom’s governing center-right party, "If this were Canada I'd be a Conservative."

Obama further chastised the American media for over-simplifying politics and trying to paint him in broad strokes.

“You people need to pick up a political science book and study the differences between communism, socialism, classic liberalism, social liberalism, conservatism and fascism,” he said.

“Am I a liberal? Not even close,” Obama argued. "Don't call me a liberal. I'm a 1970s Republican."

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  • RandomJerk

    I don’t know why this is on a satire site. Minus the Obama quotes, this could be on the front page of CNN as straight journalism.

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=100004305455539 Will Cor

    not sure if kidding….

  • http://www.debtconsolidationcare.com/User/NathanielCopeland Nathaniel Copeland

    Or Fox News or for that matter, any righty print/web publication.

  • RandomJerk

    You’ve missed the point entirely. I know, satire is tough to understand. The point is that Obama is actually doing these things, even though he hasn’t made these exact statements. He does favor Wall Street bailouts and cronyism, he does favor endless war everywhere, and interventionism throughout the Middle East, and increased deportations to Mexico, and escalating the drug war, keeping Gitmo open when he campaigned on closing it, etc. These aren’t things that Fox News claims he’s done, these are things that Obama actually has done.

  • http://www.debtconsolidationcare.com/User/NathanielCopeland Nathaniel Copeland

    Assuming that you are a Foxy, am I incorrect?
    P.S: The satire does fail on some people.

  • RandomJerk

    Assuming I’m a what? PS GFY