Bestiality Surges Hours After New Zealand Legalizes Gay Marriage

Apr 18, 2013

NZhalfbredramAuthorities in New Zealand are struggling to contain a burdgeoning epidemic of beastiality unleashed by its recent legalization of gay marriage.

According to police in cities across the country, thousands of people descended on sheep farms and began sexually penetrating the animals almost instantly after parliament voted for marriage equality yesterday.

"This is a public health crisis," explains Tony Rydall, minister for health. "We're seeing reports of sexually transmitted diseases, genital injuries, and severe damage to sheep rectums. It's absolute mayhem out there."

Witnesses say that normal, healthy individuals who had previously shown no proclivity for human-animal sexual contact have suddenly thrown themselves into the frenzy.

"I dunno, it just seems like a logical thing to do," says 25-year-old Angus Oldfield. "Now that gays are allowed to get married, it seems like there's no limits anymore. Why not shag a sheep? Or snog a salamander? Or wed a wallaby? The rules no longer apply."

May Good Flourish

The epicenter of the epidemic appears to be the city of Christchurch on the South Island, where police have arrested more than 4,000 people under the bestiality section of the Crimes Act 1961.

"We're using old airplane hangars as jails now," explains Peter Marshall, commissioner of the New Zealand Police. "My god why did we do this? Gay marriage has been a catastrophe. We'll never recover."

The rapid increase in zoophilia has shocked public health officials, who had hitherto been under the naive assumption that homosexuality was an innocuous consensual activity that had no bearing on the sexuality of others.

However the situation has come as no surprise to Ray Comfort, a New Zealand-based evangelical Christian minister.

"This is exactly what we Christians warned about," he says. "If you redefine the definition of marriage, you destroy the foundation of sexual morality. All kinds of deviant sexual behaviors become acceptable.

"Gay marriage opens the door to sex with animals, doorknobs, bananas, frozen yoghurt, goldfish - anything you can think of. Sheep are only the beginning."

American anti-gay activist Rick Santorum, who once warned that gay marriage would lead to "man-on-dog sex" also feels vindicated.

"I hate to say I told you so," he says, "but I think this speaks for itself."

New Zealand Prime Minister John Key is expected to address the nation tonight and announce emergency plans to help contain the situation.

  • DHBrasil

    Groan.

  • Johnathan

    Oh Ray, you and your bananas ;)

  • april

    XD oh this is just too funny

  • http://www.facebook.com/richardjfraser Richard Fraser

    It’s actually ‘bestiality’ (no a)

  • Durr.

    Must be satirical.

  • http://www.facebook.com/malcolm.j.brenner Malcolm J. Brenner

    No sheep for me, but my dog and I are moving to NZ!

  • http://twitter.com/nokutanluna Remy ノクターン

    This had me going for a minute.

  • KiwiGirl

    I bet the ozzies are jealous, they have been penetrating their sheep forever, at least us Kiwis can do it legally now :-)

  • Sheepard

    Ah the land where men are men and sheep are scared…

  • http://www.facebook.com/suefreewoman Karen Oakley

    But, but – straight people have always done these things! They’re so weird! ;)

  • ciudad maldita

    Hey !! NZ looking like a GREAT place to INVEST right now !!! I can get them my LUSCIOUS European Sheep !!! Come and see them, feel their warm fleece !!! These pretty girls Never get tired, Never yell at you if you got drunk and reek of booze !!!

  • http://www.facebook.com/profile.php?id=10235340 John Evans

    The old punch line to a Scottish joke: “and you can use them for wool as well!”

  • Martin

    and this was the moment when new zealand went full retarded

  • tracklayer

    This is worrying it mean there are not many pretty virgin sheep left now.;-(. Cancels NZ holiday plans.

  • Martin

    hahahahaha

  • manimal

    Doesn’t God sanction bestiality? He recommends that Adam take an animal as a mate before Adam insists on a human…

  • http://www.facebook.com/brian.bray.714 Brian Bray

    Take ‘em to the edge of a cliff. They really push back. :)

  • http://twitter.com/krakul19 sinbad king

    Wales

  • http://twitter.com/krakul19 sinbad king

    dogs get away with it anywhere

  • http://www.facebook.com/MA2.Young Meg Young

    I thought that was Scotland

  • Super Freaky

    Hunka hunka burning ewe love. Hey you bunch of preverted kiwis it sounds like loads of crank shanking you got going on. Why not put up a few webcams in the fields so the rest of the world can see how you do your nasties and then maybe you can invite some other preverts like toe licking sloths, homophobic homosexuals and 12 year Cambodian transsexual prostitutes for some other webtastic freak enjoyment. Just a few ideas for you preverts. Shank in good health but don’t worry ’bout your John Thomas getting red, infected and smelly. It’s them damn ewes and their lack of proper hygiene that’s doing your Willy up nice. All you got to know is to keep shanking.

  • Winston

    These people were just waiting for some excuse to do it with the animals. And then the blame it on Gay marriage.

  • http://www.facebook.com/chenloon79 Chen Loon

    Lol, this website is really too much hahaha, great piece of write up

  • abefroman

    I have often wondered if there was a correlation between homosexuality and bestiality. This defimately lends an ear to that argument.

  • http://www.facebook.com/ludwig.vella Ludwig Vella

    Don’t blame people’s stupidity on gay marriage. This is ridiculous. Maybe people down under have nothing upstairs?

  • MichelleR

    Bananas and frozen yoghurt? But I thought…. Never mind ;)

  • Jessica Neubauer

    OR, this is a satire site, making fun of people who think this way?

  • Kenny

    You people are childish and bigoted bastards.

  • Shamanomaha

    This sounds like the punchline to another joke : The sheepherder says to the cowboy ventriloquist, “The sheep lie.”

  • Stephen Herbertson

    If you’re Scottish, it’s Wales. If you’re Welsh, it’s Scotland. lol

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