Santorum Pulls Son Out of Basketball League

Apr 29, 2013

100911_fns_santorum_640Former Senator Rick Santorum has reportedly pulled one of his sons out of a junior high basketball league in response to NBA center Jason Collins' coming out as gay.

According to local news reports, 14-year-old Carlos Santorum was told to pack up and go home in the middle of practice today hours after Collins became the first openly gay active player in U.S. professional sports.

"We were just running our drills as usual," explains one of the younger Santorum's former teammates, "and this old guy comes running into the gym with a look of panic on his face. He pulled Carlos by the shirt and marched him right out the door. It was nuts."

Other witnesses say the former presidential candidate was screaming to the other players as well, warning them about the "dangers" of basketball.

"Haven't you guys seen the news today?" Santorum warned. "They've taken over the sport. The gays - they've found a way to use basketball to recruit new members into their sick club. Get out while it still points in the right direction fellas."

Ball Handling

Although long thought to have gay members, until today not a single one of the professional sports leagues in the United States had an openly gay player.

Collins, a free agent most recently with the Boston Celtics, became the first such athlete by penning an emotional editorial in "Sports Illustrated" magazine in which he declared "I'm a 34-year-old NBA center. I'm black. And I'm gay."

The move was greeted with rapturous enthusiasm by the gay rights movement, which considers professional sports to the one of the last great bastions of homophobia. But Collins has received a cool response from the Christian fundamentalist community, which views homosexuality as a sin.

Santorum, a leading member of the Christian right, explained in a statement that his decision was justified.

"The homosexuals have already taken over Hollywood, the courts, the fashion industry, the news media and the entire sport of badminton. Basketball was one of the few activities straight people had left where they didn't have the gay agenda stuffed down their throats.

"And now that's ruined. I made a promise to God that my family won't be allowed to partake in anything that smacks of homosexual recruitment. But between softball, ballet dancing, woodworking, theater, figure skating and Greco-Roman wrestling - there are way more gay after-school activities out there than non-gay ones.

"It's getting harder and harder to raise a straight family in America. Thanks a lot Jason Collins, you've just made it one step more difficult."

Santorum represented Pennsylvania in the U.S. Senate from 1995 to 2007. He unsuccessfully ran for president in 2012, and his last name is a neologism for "a frothy mixture of fecal matter and lube which is sometimes the byproduct of anal sex."

  • http://www.facebook.com/jess.kalinowsky Jess Kalinowsky

    #BoycottRickSantorum from politics FOREVER. This is a lesson in really bad parenting. How to make a child not like a parent: pull them out of a sport because of misplaced belief! What a MORON!

  • Perlomental

    lol u know this is fake news right?

  • atthewall

    ;-)

  • D Umbo

    Handling the balls is too temting I guess. Have the gays invaded Hollywood as well as San Fransisco and some say Morocco maybe?

  • D Umbo

    Also when they invading Hollywood do the gays wives and gurlfrends stay at home? Also who is the gays leaders as I cant find the answers on goggle. ?

  • http://www.facebook.com/lizahopper Lisa Sanford Hopper

    You KNOW Santorum was thinking it though ;)

  • Alex06

    Although long thought to have gay members, until today not a single one
    of the professional sports leagues in the Untied States had an openly
    gay player.

    “Untied States”
    UNTIED

    That amused me.

  • http://www.facebook.com/gracemogz Grace Morgan

    Not the fact that its Satire at all.. I guess thats more of a intelectual humour though.

  • http://twitter.com/Spawn_of_Santa Spawn of Santa

    Does that make wanting to Ban Santorum wrong?

  • http://twitter.com/Spawn_of_Santa Spawn of Santa

    Also, do gays recognize satire better than “straights”

  • Hal

    Yes.

  • http://www.facebook.com/brad.shedden Brad Shedden

    What an Bigotted Idiot!! That really shows his character, instead of bringing people together he is creating division.

  • yahoo

    Poor dumb fool!!!!!

  • D Umbo

    whose Satire? You keep on about her like shes even on the site. Dum name for a chik anyway.

  • Craig Brockman

    BIGGER idiot is you for believing this…..

  • Craig Brockman

    WOW! You’re an idiot!

  • T. Rouble

    Saying gays invaded Hollywood would be like saying Native Americans invaded a reservation …

  • D Umbo

    What are native Americans. Are they like the guys who make wisky?

  • D Umbo

    And then theyre on the TV and then they are hiding from the polize with the camera guys but the polize must be so dum becauze they only need to see them doing the crimes on the discofvery channel and arrest them but they don ‘t. Its nutz them crazy natives.

  • bckm

    Satire was a French existentialist philosopher and writer… ;)

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