North Carolina Proposes Ban on Condoms

May 15, 2013

General_Assembly_NCGA.com_senate_chamber_3State legislators in North Carolina proposed a ban on teenagers using condoms, arguing their widespread use encourages "immoral behavior."

The bill, introduced by Republican leaders in the House of Representatives, would make the purchase or use of condoms by anyone under 18 years of age a crime punishable by six months in prison and 90 days of Christian missionary work.

"Condoms have created a culture of permissiveness in our society," said Rep. Chris Whitless in a speech on the House floor. "Everywhere I go I see kids 'hooking up' and 'bumping uglies.' They don't give a damn about the holy sacrament of marriage!

"My best friend has a smoking hot 18-year-old daughter, for example. And when I asked her if she was in a relationship, she said she was 'friends with benefits' with someone. Since when is it okay for women to engage in casual sex? I betcha a little gonorrhea would scare that strumpet straight. "

O' Brave New World

North Carolina's condom ban would only be the latest in a series of steps designed to limit access to sexual health services. Last week Republicans introduced a bill requiring women under the age of 18 to get notarized letters of permission from their parents before using contraception.

That legislation, currently on its way to become law, would also require teens to be screened for "emotional disturbances" before being allowed to use birth control.

Rep. Whitless was intimately involved in the creation of both bills, and says in an exclusive interview with The Daily Currant he says that his goal is to promote Christian values in the state.

"If God wanted people to have sex outside of marriage, he wouldn't have created sexually transmitted diseases. Condoms and birth control subvert the will of the Lord by incentivising an immoral lifestyle.

"If every sexual encounter carries the risk of pregnancy, then these kids would be forced to save themselves for marriage like our Lord commands. Besides, everyone knows that real mean don't use rubbers."

Enforcement measures included within the bill would also penalize any store selling condoms to a teenager with a $100,000 fine for each individual condom sold. School administrators will conduct random locker searches looking for the banned items, and employers with teenage employees would have to use an e-verification system to certify their teens are condom-free.

These provisions have caused outrage from liberals and civil libertarians, who see them as unnecessary government intrusions into the private life of the state's young citizens.

Whitless, however, is undaunted and says that after he efforts on contraception and condoms are completed, he plans on pursuing his other passion: making it harder for women to work outside the home.

"We're working on a bill that doubles the employment taxes on companies that hire women. Back when I was growing up my mamma, she ain't do nothing but cook and clean and wash up her children. Those were the good old days."

  • Tom Mazanec

    I expect to see this one on Snopes.com before long.

  • paul

    Yep. Looks like they took a little bit of truth and built it into a lie. I can’r corroborate any of this online.

  • mike

    probably because this site is satire.

  • vito33

    A rider to this bill, banning teenagers from driving cars with back seats, is facing opposition from the Auto Manufacturing Lobby.

  • Phred

    Mocking southern Christians again? Haven’t we all seen and heard these tired prejudices enough already? Where’s the creativity in this? Where’s the courage? You can do better than this and you should!

  • So this is a HOAX too???

    or is this for real?
    if this is for reall GET OUT OF THAT STATE NOW!

  • Modernjedi

    I’d say southern christians do a pretty good job of mocking themselves.

  • Phred

    Not the point. This mockery has been featured on this site over and over and over again. Funny the first time, smile on the second, but by the 15th time, it’s just lame! The daily Palin jabs are getting repetative and tiresome, too. New idea – The IRS scandal story features reports of “rogue” IRS employees. So let’s see the story of hunting them down with tranquilizer darts, and relocating them, etc. New Idea #2 – Media reports that lots of girls are infatuated with the Boston bomber. So let’s see the story of the plans for a new reality show on CBS, where these girls vie for the favor of a madman. But whatever you do, please retire for awhile some of these old tired angles

  • disqus_nDPV2wQjQP

    It’s for real. NC already has sperm recycling centers for used condoms, because every sperm is sacred.

  • samy89

    sexist pig!

  • Mike S

    It will be right next to the section disproving the Onion’s articles.

  • Steve Karper

    yes al the repub animostiy towards our first black president moslty comes from repubs who still think the wrong side won the civil war.

    Myex automechanic — a good old boy southerner re hillary vs Obama 2008

    “What are my choices – a woman or a (n-word)”