Michele Bachmann Announces 2016 Presidential Campaign

May 30, 2013

michelebachmann_33Michele Bachmann today announced her intention to run for president in 2016.

In a video uploaded to her website the conservative congresswoman said that God had asked her to run in order to prevent the secular left from imposing Sharia Law on America.

The announcement comes one day after Bachmann unexpectedly said she would not seek reelection to Congress next year, leaving political observers curious about her next move.

"I recently stopped taking a medication called Zyprexa," she explained in the video. "Two days after it cleared my system, I was visited by God while eating breakfast. The holy father told me that he had great plans for me and instructed me to wind down my career in Congress and run for president.

"I feel honored that Jesus has personally chosen me to the be Republican nominee in 2016, and I am looking forward to doing his bidding in office."

Evil Chick Peas  

Bachmann has been one of Congress' most controversial members since she was elected from a suburban Minnesota district in 2007.

She has become notorious for a number of controversial statements including claims that Barack Obama is anti-American, certain vaccines cause "mental retardation," and that the Founding Fathers "worked tirelessly" to eliminate slavery.

She also called for banning falafel and other "jihadi foods" in school lunches, arguing they are gateways to terrorism. These and other statements made her a polarizing figure on Capitol Hill and in her own district, where she very narrowly won reelection last year.

Undeterred by her skeptics, Bachmann says her White House bid will feature her signature policies.

"Under my leadership America will ban abortion, restore prayer in schools and eliminate hummus from supermarket shelves," she told supporters, "and unlike this administration I will never forget the plight of the small business owner who doesn't want to serve gay customers."

Blessed Links

In an exclusive interview Bachmann, who claims God appeared to her in the form of a breakfast sausage, promises not to repeat the mistakes of her failed 2012 campaign.

"In 2012 America simply wasn't ready for my revolutionary ideas," she explains. "After eight years of Obama's Islamic Socialism, Americans will welcome a conservative like me with open arms.

"And we'll be more prepared this time around too. We've hired some of Sarah Palin's top advisers to help lead our campaign."

Bachmann says that after her term expires she'll move to Iowa permanently to start her bid to win that state's first in the nation caucus, mostly likely settling in the conservative stronghold of Iowa City.

Political analysts say Bachmann faces long odds in the Republican primary, however, which is also likely to feature rising stars Ted Cruz, Rand Paul and Marco Rubio, who all have the advantage of being conservative without being completely crazy.

  • http://www.facebook.com/nigelrodneyleitch Nigel Leitch

    OH MY GOD, THIS CANNA BE REELZ WHUT I HAET HER SHE DUM AND SHE DON NO SHEET

  • edwinj

    I Really Like And welcome her,Because Prayers should be pray in American Schools And Bound Abolition

  • pinko

    Now America will have to find another brave champion of The Lightbulb Freedom of Choice Act. (Michele has definite views on being AC/DC but when it concerns light bulbs she’s vehemently pro-choice.)

  • joe

    its satire

  • vito33

    She won’t be gone from congress until 2014, so she continues to introduce bills that will reinforce her legacy.

    http://www.theonion.com/articles/michele-bachmann-figures-why-not-introduces-homose,32641/

  • http://www.facebook.com/xtraordinary.infidel Bradley Thomas Horton

    Michele Bachman has already hit her highest point….She is the second stupidest human in human history… right behind Palin..

  • Rafael

    Yeah, Michele you didn’t built THAT , BENGHAZI!

  • http://www.facebook.com/nigelrodneyleitch Nigel Leitch

    doh really,,,,

  • Nelly

    I doubt the validity of parts of this article, specifically where it states that Rand Paul, Ted Cruz and Marco Rubio are not completely crazy.

  • merr7242

    OMG, she is lunier than she was before. It’s a wonder she can tie her shoes by herself.

  • merr7242

    Are we sure this isn’t an article from “The Onion”? It sure sounds like it. God appeared to her in the form of a breakfast sausage!? Or this one, “…banning falafel and other “jihadi foods” in school lunches, arguing they are gateways to terrorism…” Really? And then, “After eight years of Obama’s Islamic Socialism, Americans will welcome a conservative like me with open arms.” Don’t hold your breath Michele. I just don’t think America will ever be ready for your idiocy.

  • BOBinBrooklyn

    Just think, future generations of Americans will be forced to live in a country where they have to buy energy efficient light bulbs, thus reducing our use of oil, and the oil industry’s profits! What an outrage!

    I have had one of those “Obama Bulbs” in my desk lamp and it’s been working since June 2009! That’s 4 years without a replacement! And the package said it’s good for 5 years more! That’s like 9 years I have to go before buying a replacement! I tell you, it’s so efficient, I can’t stand it, thinking of all the oil that will not havebeen burned to make inefficient bulbs give light!

    And yet, the Liberal News Media uses “that light bulb thing” to make us think that Bachmann is crazy!

  • thestandard

    One day’s joke is another day’s reality: http://www.salon.com/2013/06/07/bachmann_leaves_door_open_on_2016/

  • BOBinBrooklyn

    Uh, this is a satirical website. But when it comes to Bachmann, it’s hard to tell the difference between satire and “reality”.

  • Leslie Todd

    Every Candidate gets $ 30 million fed money free to use for campaign $$$.
    that means they can hire a relative for any amount … say $ 10 mill. to work for them .

  • labman57

    Bachmann is suffering from ‘delusions of relevance’.

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