Canada Legalizes Medicinal Cocaine

Jan 06, 2014

coccainecanadaCanada became the first Western country to legalize the medicinal use of cocaine today.

In a close 158-150 vote the House of Commons passed the Drug Policy Modernization Act (DPMA) ,which allows doctors to prescribe the drug to treat various medical ailments.

The Public Health Agency of Canada recommended passage of the bill, arguing that cocaine has a long tradition of medical use that modern science has unfairly ignored. It especially made the case that the powerful stimulant is useful for treating mental health disorders.

“Depression is no match for cocaine,"says Minister of Health Rona Ambrose. "A few milligrams can help overcome the lows in an individual's daily life. We also find cocaine works twice as effectively as mainstream pharmaceutical drugs in treating ADHD.

“Obviously, it also helps enormously with glaucoma, back pain, acne and plenty of other everyday health issues. A patient will have to see his or her doctor to get the prescription. The dosage reevaluated each month so the patient’s health can be monitored. The process will be very professional.”

Good Powder

Canada has long been known for its progressive drug policy, with the country pioneering medical marijuana and needle exchange programs in the 2000s.

However, in recent years the nation has fallen behind countries like Uruguay and U.S. states like Washington and Colorado, which have all fully legalized cannabis for recreational use.

"This puts us back on the map," says Liberal leader Justin Trudeau, who supported the government's legislation. "We used to be the coolest place in North America. But nowadays if you want to get loaded and go skiing you go to Aspen, not Whistler. That needs to change."

Canadian citizens have mixed opinions on the legislation, however.  “I don’t know what to think about it yet. We’ll have to see what happens. All I know is we have the best democracy in the world and the people wanted it,” said Greg Clarke, self proclaimed sixth cousin to National Hockey League Hall of Famer Bobby Clarke.

Winnipeg Police Chief Devon Clunis told the Winnipeg Sun that his police force will be prepared.

“We expect a little more fist fights but more focused drinking," he said. "We can handle it.”

With the average winter temperature in Winnipeg being −20 °C (−5 °F) the Chief is also excited to have a cocaine prescription during the cold, dark, and long winter months. “A little pick-me up in the morning is just what the doctor ordered.”

For popular travel destination cities like Montreal they plan on seeing a boost in tourism.

“We imagine more U.S. teenagers traveling to Canada. They already come up to enjoy our legal drinking age ranging 18-19 years, not like the conservative twenty-one in the States,” said the head of the Canadian Tourism Commission, Greg Klassen. “We predict an increase in hotel stays and bar revenue. We might see a slight slip in restaurant revenue because we all know it’s hard to do blow and then eat.”

Toronto Mayor Rob Ford, for his part, lauded passage of the bill.

“Now people can get off my fat stinking ass,” he proclaimed to a crowded food court at the Eaton Centre. "Obesity is a disease and cocaine is the cure."

Blame Canada...

Canada's move to legalize cocaine is in direct violation of its commitments under United Nations drug control treaties, and will likely upset nations still committed to the failed War on Drugs.

“We don’t know what the hell the Canucks are thinking,"  House Minority Leader Nancy Pelosi told reporters from ABC News. "How can they think legalizing cocaine is going to help anything? Medicinal? Give me a break. Maybe they're just angry that all their hockey teams are dog-shit recently. Up really is down and down is up in Canada.”

There is also mounting concern from the U.S. Border Patrol about trafficking into the U.S.

“We already have tons of marijuana coming down from Canada every day. We don’t want to see more coke coming this way. We didn’t let Mexico pass any real drug reform laws, so I don’t see why we can’t bully Canada the same way,” said Border Patrol Agent Dolph Ziggler.

“It’s about protecting our children. Let them stick to Adderall and Ritalin,” adds Betty S. Sembler, chairwoman of Drug Free America “We will fight tooth and nail to have the law reversed. Think of the children, think of the goddamn children!”

  • Johnny Wilson


  • Ebenezer

    Ha! Medicinal cocaine has always been legal in the USA. See your friendly local ophthalmologist. (Say that three times fast.)

  • captain_pudding

    And you silly Americans thought that was snow . . . .

  • gruntLock

    GTA V called, it wants it’s joke back.

  • Its Canada’s business if they choose to do this, not the U.S. or United Nations, country is run by grown up.. Failed drug war has cost us BILLIONS in incarceration instead of rehab or education as Spain did legalizing all drugs.

  • Alex Boehm

    You know this was satire right? Even though it would probably be much less neurotoxic for ADHD treatment than amphetamines.

  • BA


  • Doc Deadhead

    We have been using coke for weight loss in this country for like 12 years now or at least my wife and I have. I thinnnn there arr somee good effekts from continuued use.

  • May as well seeing there are so many coke heads in the Country already. Let the cops go after the pedofiles, rapists, molesters, car thieves & murderers.

    To bad its just a joke though……

  • MaineShark

    “Medical cocaine” is already legal in the US. Cocaine is a Schedule II (restricted, but available by prescription) drug, as opposed to marijuana, which is a Schedule I (totally banned) drug.

    I doubt cocaine’s status is any different in Canada.

    Satire only works if it’s actually satirical.

  • matt

    i don’t get it is cocaine legal in Canada or not?

  • Quirky Canuck

    The satire reached the top of Google News Canada. Nice going. This is going to start rumours lol

  • Russell Barth

    it would be funny if the cocaine situation in the Canadian government were not such an actual problem, from what i am hearing.

  • Zach Glunt

    “”It’s about protecting our children. Let them stick to Ritalin and Adderall.” Adds Betty S. Sembler, chairwoman of Drug-Free America.” <-That comment got me f***ed up just laughing about it. Let's break it down, Betty works for Drug-Free America. She wants to protect our children from drugs. Her solution is to let them continuing using Ritalin and Adderall, Amphetamine-Based prescription pills. Betty, no offense, you're one of the Americans that makes us look stupid to everyone else. If your policy stated that a drug, is a drug, is a drug, I would've sincerely admired your stance. However, when you have only experienced your side, and you feel, this works okay, and only compare it to the bad things you know about the other side from media and questionable ad-campaigns, you make the rest of us look foolish. A little known fact, Desoyxn is prescription-based Meth. The same kind getting cooked up by Mister White and Jesse in the RV. Same chemical compound. Would you sit there and argue that the illegal form of the drug is a deadly poison, while the prescription form is safe? Yes, the drug is being made by two different levels of Chemists. However, if you don't have the same stance on every drug, that a drug, is a drug, is a drug, there will never be a drug-free America.

  • John Smith

    A doctor legally sprayed cocaine on Pat Boone’s vocal cords when they were inflamed once. He was told what it was after the drug was administered. Cocaine is used medicinally in the USA legally.

  • Vanessa Rae Stafford

    This article has so many errors……Mexico has personal use. And just look up Mallinkrodt. Anyway, the DEA appoints any usage to whomever they wish…