If you're a white woman thinking about having a baby, do yourself and the world a favor - don't.
Studies have consistently shown that women of European descent are the worst mothers. They endlessly coddle their children and are incapable of setting the boundaries kids need to thrive.
You might think you're ready to be a parent. You might fantasize about putting a cute little baby to sleep at night. But if you're white, your cuddly little infant will grow up spoiled, undisciplined and undereducated, and will likely end up on welfare.
You'll spend your 50s and 60s paying legal fees from DUI arrests and desperately hoping your little bundles of joy kick the meth habit. Driving them to and from rehab and Wal-Mart, you'll be embarrassed by the fact that your progeny are a constant drain on decent society.
Most white people don't realize that parenting is hard work. In my 2011 book Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother I tried to impart my superior Asian parenting methods to the rest of America.
But it turns out that parenting is not something you can teach. It's something that's embedded inside our various cultures. And not all cultures are equal.
In my new book, I identify eight cultural groups that have innate qualities making them more likely to succeed: Jews, Indians, Chinese, Iranians, Lebanese-Americans, Nigerians, Cuban exiles and Mormons.
These groups have what I have termed the "triple package" -- a superiority complex, insecurity, impulse control -- which allow them to go further in life than others.
Critics have been quick to argue that my analysis is unfalsifiable pseudoscientific nonsense used to justify racist cultural stereotypes. They say I'm simply using the language of academia to perpetuate the prejudices and elitism present in my own family.
They also take issue with my grouping, saying it's just an arbitrary construct pre-determined to further my controversial thesis without appearing too racist (look I have all the skin colors!).
Frankly, I can't refute any of these critiques. But I would like to point out that they are mostly coming from round eyes.
I'm Not Racist But...
Now most of you should know by now that I teach at Yale (ever heard of it?). And as an Ivy League academic, I believe in basing my arguments in evidence.
I think the best way to judge a certain society's success at parenting is to examine the overall success of that country as a whole. After all countries are simply groups of individuals. And each individual has been shaped and formed by their parents.
By that logic, it's clear why all of the world's richest, most democratic nations are in Asia, the Middle East and Africa. Countries like Laos, Cambodia, Myanmar and North Korea have used Asian values to leapfrog the U.S. and Europe in terms of living standards and will continue to excel in future.
Meanwhile Iran and Nigeria have used their "cultures of success" to make their nations the envy of the world. Given the choice, what sane person alive today would choose to live in Paris over Pyongyang? Or London over Lagos? Or Texas over Tehran?
Terrible white parents have ruined the Western world with their concepts of "freedom," "individuality" and "creativity." If the United States or Europe wants to compete with the rising dynamism of these emerging markets, they will need more fewer haoles and more Chinese and Indians.
Not to say that all white people are bad. I largely plagiarized my first book from one. And sure, Neil Armstrong, Winston Churchill, Steve Jobs, Pope John Paul II, Bill Gates and even Barack Obama were all raised by white women.
But when you look at the evidence, it becomes clear that overall white people are inferior and should not be a allowed to procreate. I'm sure if Neil Armstrong had a Tiger Mom he would have gotten all the way to Mars.
If you absolutely must have children, do what I did: marry into one of the successful cultural groups. Like most Chinese women, I didn't marry for love. No, I married for one reason and one reason only: the Jew-genes. My husband is Jewish and my children are perfect little Sino-Judaic hybrids.
Just last night my little ones serenaded us with the Hava Nagila on violin. Afterwards my husband and I retired and had very efficient, goal-oriented sex.
Don't pretend you're not jealous.
Amy L. Chua is the John M. Duff, Jr. Professor of Law at Yale Law School. She is also a bigoted racist and a survivor of narcissistic personality disorder.