Ukraine Deploys Gay Men to Scare Off Russians

Mar 07, 2014

UkraineGayUkraine is planning to march large numbers of gay men into Crimea in hopes of scaring off Russian soldiers currently occupying the territory.

According to local reports this “gay army” will be unarmed and its mission will be to act as flamboyantly homosexual as possible, causing the deeply prejudiced occupying force to flee back to its homeland.

“Russia is one of the most homophobic nations on Earth,” says Ukrainian defense minister Boris Grishenko. “We’re planning to use that fact to our advantage and take back our land.

“Ukraine is a small country. We don’t have a lot of tanks or battleships. And we stupidly gave up our nuclear weapons in the 1990s. But we still have plenty of gays, and if there’s one thing Russians fear more than atomic warfare it’s explicit displays of homosexuality.

“It will start small. Just a simple parade with a few hundred shirtless men. But once the Lady Gaga starts blasting, things are gonna get wild. Hopefully all the pumping, grinding and gyrating will have them headed for the hills.”

In the Navy

Russian soldiers have occupied the Crimean peninsula  following a revolution in Ukraine which swept a pro-European government to power.

Ukraine and the West believe Russia is unlawfully occupying another nation’s territory. Moscow claims it is simply safeguarding the interests of the Russian-speaking population amid the recent turmoil.

Efforts to end the crisis though diplomacy have so far come to naught, as European and American sanctions appear to be having little effect. But interviews with the occupying forces suggest that Ukraine's new strategy just might do the trick.

“It’s not worth it. I’m leaving," says one soldier. "I can take bullets. I can take bombs. But if Ukraine sends any gay people my way I’m going home. I didn't sign up for this shit."

Recruitment for the campaign has reportedly been strong, with nearly half of Kiev's gay male community signed up for the patriotic task of retaking Crimea.

"Fighting homophobia and Putin at the same time? Sign me up," says Victor, a 34-year-old hairdresser. "My partner and I are marching together and we're bringing the full set of butt plugs. I can't wait."

  • InMyView

    Exploiting homophobia in war zone is strictly forbidden by the Hague convention of 1873. This Ukrainian offence will put the full weight of International War Crimes court behind Russia.

  • skimhead

    that’ll start the bloodshed

  • michelle

    Wow sending them into there own blood bath…Sitting ducks

  • Vera

    Hilarious!

  • Luba Petrusha

    You realize this is satire, no?

  • http://www.derekwilliams.net Derek Williams

    I can see the sense in that.

  • http://www.derekwilliams.net Derek Williams

    Pure genius. A military masterstroke, if ever there was one.

  • Mitch Burns

    This is horrific, use gay people as pawns now. Russia is not much better, but this is downright horrible. I am gay and, I dread to think of the carnage… that will take place…

  • Mitch Burns

    Their is NO satire here. Russians have invaded already and you are sending these gay people to their deaths. Russian wont care they are anti-gay. Russians will then be able to say Ukraine sent their own gay people to die

  • George Star

    The motherland needs me.

  • David Veal

    There are “RULES”, good people, to warfare. International rules!! That is why they call it war-fair. This idea isn’t fair, ..no!… not fair at all!

  • Sean Philip Hearnden

    The Daily Currant is a satirical website. This isn’t real, it’s supposed to be funny.

  • Pol Pot

    these gay men will be used for Russian minefields…

  • Pol Pot

    It’s very funny – Russians like killing homosexualists

  • Matt

    I completely understand this isn’t real, but I struggle to find the joke funny.

    There have been a lot of jokes at the expense of Russian homophobia, and so there should be. Homophobia is ludicrous bullying. However, the jokes at the homophobes expense also tend to paint homosexuals as but plug wearing hairdressers who go topless and dance to Lady Gaga. I know that’s how satire works, but I’m getting a bit bored of it.

    Try harder, Daily Current. Do better.

  • MichaelBulley

    Actually there IS satire here. It is in-fact complete satire with no hint of truth. Calm down

  • Vanya Zhuk

    it`s funny nobody understands that ukrainian people are just as homophobic as russian

  • vlodko

    Not really. But our former prime minister explained that Association with the EU was refused because of requirements to give the same rights for homosexual people (including official marriage etc). As you can see from last months people there found that more acceptable than Yanukovich and his bloody regime. :-)

    More widely: most people doesn’t think a lot of such issues.

  • Igor Priladyshev

    kill’em all

  • Igor Priladyshev

    we took ours. Its YOU, who invaded Serbia, Iraq (2 times), Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, Viet Nam,Panama, Grenada, etc. so shut up

  • Beartx

    Flagged and reported.

  • psychophant

    Pun intended?

  • http://www.derekwilliams.net Derek Williams

    Ha! Would love to say “yes” – but no, it wasn’t. I can see it now. The humour was actually originally intended to be the last phrase.

  • AGuyNamedJames

    You think the Russian army is unfamiliar with gay men? Haven’t your ever watched a Jean-Noël René Clair film?

  • JonathanMaddox

    Russians weren’t known as especially homophobic until leaders started using it as a political wedge issue, just as my home country Australia (with almost 20% of its of citizens born abroad, more than any other sizeable country) was not known for being xenophobic before governments began to use vilification of refugees as a “dog whistle”.

  • Mitch Burns

    LOL gays didn’t invade Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, Viet Nam,Panama, Grenada, etc>

    next time read the comment before going off your brain. I defending the gay community for being subject and a pawn in your two countries scheme.

    Russians are not known for their good nature and generally don’t ask before the act very often and if this site was accurate, you’d plow over those poor men without weapons just to make yourselves look like men.

    You also need to think of the fact that the attack on Ukraine is an act of WAR and will involve many countries that will have to get involved due to broken treaties on your countries part. I live in Australia and me and people here will be called by our governments to defend a smaller country from a larger military-country acting like a group of terrorists, its clear the world has not changed much since the last world war.

    According to you WE invaded Serbia, Iraq (2 times), Afghanistan, Syria, Libya, Viet Nam,Panama, Grenada etc. So what now you HAVE to invade Ukraine. Seems to me its one big pissing contest, that will destroy many lives and all that you can come off with is ‘you did it first’

  • Mitch Burns

    I realized the site after Posted I was just outraged that gay people would be used as pawns led to the slaughter. Didn’t realize until I made myself look dumb. One should not post at 1am in the morning, sorry and thanks for pointing out my error

  • Mitch Burns

    Its very unfortunate that just because people are gay they are hated unfairly. EU would have been great allies and all because of over the top views :(

  • Mitch Burns

    flagged and reported

  • Vanya Zhuk

    yeah.

  • Primo Uomo Assoluto

    They can invade my cuntry any time!

  • Harriet Burgess

    You people are genuinely hilarious, you think that this a real story? It’s satire you lame-brains! Along the lines of the Daily Onion, ever heard of it? Omg if you think this is real you are all so stupid!

  • Harriet Burgess

    I hope you’re a troll, seriously. If you’re not then well that’s just as funny.

  • The Truth

    This article is bull.

  • XD

    hahahaha I am guessing more then half of the Russians will run and the other half will defect and join in the festivities LOL most homophobic people are closet gay anyway and thats ok. Just come out and stop being jerks.

  • Yaroslava Lyashenko

    ahahahaaa)))) well, actually, it just might be an effective measure :D

  • Andrew Mathisen

    Cheeky Buggers! Tongue in cheek cheeky buggers too! LOL

  • finzer13

    It’s fake you morons.

  • Guest2

    There’s actually a lot of land in Russia being occupied by Russian troops but which does not belong to Russia. Would be about the time for other’s to take what is ours.

  • Thomas Fisher

    We didn’t invade Iraq twice. We defended Kuwait from an invasion force, and stopped short of invading Iraq. Learn some contemporary history, buddy.

  • Felipe Robles Perales

    The “West” i.e. the USA and US-led Europe are hypocrites. I agree with you Igor as the US invaded my cousin´s home-land of Panamá, whose president they had chosen, killed people and abandoned them and so it continues with US military intervention.

  • Bill Brown

    choose to be straight. simply enough

  • AlienInvasionSoon

    what if they open fire? Entertaining idea but not smart….

  • Ron Angel

    Total madness, it only takes one homophobic unstable Russian
    soldier who was molested by a gay man as a child to wipe them out and start a war. Which is maybe what they want…..

  • Brian

    Russians are drunk idiots with bad taste. And their women are American gold diggers.

  • nguges

    If it doesn’t belong to Russia, then it isn’t exactly Russian land, is it?

  • Madimir Putin

    Actually Crimea asked for Putin’s help. You see Ukraine is divided in 2 groups ( 1 is loyal to the Russian Federation and the other wants to be part of the European union ).

  • Crab_Master

    Oh c’mon,it’s a parody,a joke.This can’t be serious.Where’s your sense of humor guys and gals?(even tho,it might cause shock and confusion in the russian troops)
    If that really should happen,the Russians would probably react quite violently,and that means a real war.

    And ”defend the interests of Russians in that sector” ?Where have I heard something like this before,huh?Hmm?Anyone?Ah,yes…HITLER ”defended” the interests of Germans in Poland,just before the start of WW2…yes,that was it..:)

  • Uedukai

    My god, does no one bother googling even *one* thing these days? This entire article is a satire, a giant joke. Calm the fuck down everyone.

  • MoEM-DOWN

    Hey should just pump them poo-pushers full of lead, end of story

  • Crobush

    Ignore it. He talsk about attack of Serbia,and defending same Serbia that did genocids all over the balkan. History F- for Igor.

  • Selimir Prodanovic

    i dont know why im thinking that ukraine want its gay men massacred…… that country is just another homophobic shithole

  • Hanitylies

    Hey, here’s hoping your heart stops beating soon.

  • Jackson Pollock

    Gay Army? Is that who makes the Gay Agenda I’ve been hearing about?

  • http://DennisVelco.com/ Dennis Velco

    Thanks for this article and your reporting. What you do is appreciated.

    I posted it to the largest LGBT Group on LinkedIn with over 25,200+ global members to spur members to read your article and to make comment. I also scooped it at Scoop.It on my LGBT Times news mashup.

    Link to group >> http://www.linkedin.com/groups?home=&gid=63687

    All LGBT+ and community allies…. please come join me and 25,200+ of your soon to be great connections on LinkedIn. The member base represents 80% of the world’s countries.

    It’s core value is – Visibility can lead to awareness which can lead to equality. Come stand with us and increase our visibility on the globe’s largest professional networking site. Be a professional who just happens to be LGBT – or a welcomed community ally.

  • ItsAJoke

    This is a bullshit!

  • http://stories4hotbloodedlesbians.com paulakey

    Stupid Ron: the man was probably molested by his straight father or uncle. More child molestation stats point towards straights

  • Ron Angel

    maybe in canada…. (grin)

  • Bigron

    This Is A Way To Get A Bunch Of Queers Killed

  • Jeffrey Oviatt

    they will just use the gayfers as target practice! and come on unarmed!? these dudes have hiv they are bio weapon.

  • Lielina Fikre Tafesse

    lol crazy people

  • Lielina Fikre Tafesse

    the idea behind is i think Ukrainians are homophobic too they wanted gay men to be killed lol

  • Mike Tragesser

    To show us all just how easy it is to simply choose any sexual preference, first you go ahead and choose to be gay for a few months, only temporarily as an experiment. Simple enough? Let us know how that goes for you.

  • FYI

    Technically the EU doesn’t require gay marriage to be legal in all of its members – just that there are laws against discrimination.

  • Charles

    Are we ALL aware that the Daily Currant is a satirical site like the Onion? Calm down, Mary!

  • Ron Lake

    yeah it kind backfired on em. The Russian Soldiers instead came on to the gay army boys diffusing their strategy and well, the rest is history.

  • Mark

    this is like the “Onion” publication- get a life

  • Mark

    actually they are more liberal — on this -not a lot but better

  • teriquajones

    @MichaelBulley, Thank you for ruining everyone’s fun.

  • teriquajones

    You remember the Hague convention of 1873, but can’t spell offense?

  • teriquajones

    Don’t go to Russia if you are gay. They don’t embrace the LGBT lifestyle.
    They also don’t allow muslims to become citizens.

  • teriquajones

    Actually those are gay people who have been deported from Russia. So, they have nothing to lose. If Russia takes control of Ukrainia; they will be deported from their homes again.

  • InMyView

    Thanks for your remark. Guess I used the wrong dictionary : ” Offense or Offence (see -ce/-se) may refer to:
    Offence or Crime, a violation of penal law
    Offense (sports), the action of engaging an opposing team ..” (Wikipedia)

  • DomGregory

    Don’t apologize, InMyView, you weren’t wrong. Sometimes we Americans forget that the whole world doesn’t have to use our spelling rules.

    “Other than how they are spelled and where they are used, there is no difference between offence and offense. Offense is the preferred spelling in the United States, and offence prevails in ALL the main varieties of English from outside the U.S.”
    – grammarist . com

  • InMyView

    I`l use this as my defenC/Se . (*+*)

  • Vanya Zhuk

    My view is based in the simple fact that both countries share same post-Soviet culture and in personal experience of being Russian and often visiting Ukraine, I`m curious, what information lets you draw such fine line )

  • Mark

    Well, never had a court in Ukraine – unlike Moscow court which banned GBLT parades for 100 years- arrests of 50 people – 2-3 years ago – trying to march in Moscow,- they did have a parade a couple of years ago in KYIV – which happened – don’t believe they have EVER had that in Moscow- there a few more differences – Ukraine is also a multiconfessional nation -an there are degrees of tolerance within those structures – not so from Moscows Orthodox church and the Muslims population in Russia

  • Nick Reid

    You invaded Afghanistan first!

  • tiger

    Russia wasn’t that bad after all… Ukrainians would tie women and children to their tanks only to make Russia look bad. Nazis won Ukrainian revolution after all.

  • tiger

    No, Crimea CHOSE to leave Ukraine. Why? Because new goverment BANNED Russian language, which was the language of whole Crimea! Crimea is the autonomy after all, they DEMANDED that Ukraine change that, but they didn’t. Stop supporting facism only because it’s Ukrainian!

  • tiger

    And Russia defended Crimea from Ukrainian nazis – what’s the problem then?

  • FuzzyFTW .

    yeah go ahead it’s not like the russians will shoot you in the head

  • Troy

    Sending an gaggle of queens to parade in front of homophobic soldiers with guns!? This is going to end well :/

  • Alex Ukraine

    What nonsense (only fool could write it!!

  • Scott Kuli

    This is kind of funny but you missed a few important facts.

    Russia is not protecting ethnic Russians in a foreign land in Crimea. Crimea has been Russian for 300 years. Considerably longer than many areas in the US were settled by Europeans.

    There was no invasion. Crimea VOTED to leave Ukraine and join Russia, and it’s not majority Russian because of Russians being sent there during Stalins’ time as John McCain (a paid liar) said either.

    Other than that though, it’s funny.

    Just get your facts… ummm… straight first, next time.

  • El

    Dear Author, you haven’t even signed in your name, before making these
    pathetic accusations. I bet you never even been to that part of the world to understand the culture and values. Afterall, it’s going to be another meaningless war where people will sacrifice their lives. Growing up on food cards has a valuable experience…just a realistic overview.

  • Milan Pavlović

    West first promote depravity as a virtue, and then condemns normal people because they want to have a normal state.

  • Milan Pavlović

    No, only gays!

  • Angelka

    Ukraine is NOT a small country. By Western European standards, its territory is rather large. And its population is around 46 million people. Of course, compared to the vast mass of Siberia anybody is “small”.

  • John

    “Operation Donetsk Don’t Tell” or “Crimea River” – The Musical … cant decide

  • Irv Spielberg

    You’re nowhere if you haven’t yet googled “Harvey Milk Stamped ‘Out’ Forever.”

  • Sean Philip Hearnden

    It’s not right to judge a whole nation by a certain few. It’d be like me judging America on the WBC.

  • Sean Philip Hearnden

    Simply not true. Yes they drink more, but on average, at the various statistics I looked at they drink on average something like 2.5 more units of pure alcohol per capita than US. It’s nothing. They have many problems, alcohol isn’t really one. You’re an asshole.

Close