Election 2012

 

Former Speaker of the U.S. House of Representatives Newt Gingrich announced today that he voted for himself as a write in candidate for President.

The Georgia native ran unsuccessfully for the Republican nomination this year, dropping out in May and endorsing Mitt Romney.

However, Gingrich says when the time came to mark his ballot last week, he couldn't in good conscience vote for anyone but himself: ... Read More →

 

President Barack Obama introduced a new flag today for the United States of America.

At a press conference in Washington, D.C. the recently reelected socialist declared that he had issued an executive order replacing the traditional stars-and-stripes with a new design intended to be  more "progressive and diverse."... Read More →

 

Former Republican congressman Tom Tancredo claimed today that the GOP would have won Tuesday's election by a landslide if only they had increased their animosity toward Latinos.

Mitt Romney garnered only 27% of the hispanic vote on election day, versus 71% for Barack Obama. The difference provided Obama with his entire margin of victory.

As the proportion of Latino voters continues to rise, major figures in the Republican Party are calling for a reevaluation of their strategy to reach this key demographic. But Tancredo says the analysts have it backwards:... Read More →

 

Canadian Prime Minister Stephen Harper reportedly broke down in tears upon hearing the news Tuesday night that intellectual soul-mate Mitt Romney had lost the U.S. presidential election.

The Conservative Albertan had anticipated a Romney victory and was emotionally crushed by the prospect of not being able to work with the Republican standard-bearer for the next four years of his premiership. ... Read More →

 

Former Republican Alaskan Gov. Sarah Palin announced last night her intention to run for U.S. president in 2014.

Speaking exclusively to Fox News from her Wasilla, Alaska home, Palin said there was no time to waste in replacing the newly reelected Barack Obama:

"Barack Obama's second term is going to be a bigger disaster than the first," she said in an interview to Fox's Sean Hannity. "We need to prepare our nation for the post-Obama era of prosperity.... Read More →

 

Former Pennsylvania Senator and GOP Presidential candidate Rick Santorum has claimed that a 'homosexual cabal' stole Tuesday's presidential election.

The conservative catholic politician told CNN this morning that something about the official numbers "just didn't add up" and was forced to draw the only obvious conclusion:

"I see the hand of the homosexual in this massive election fraud," Santorum explained, "Romney was tied or leading in most polls before the election. And then he loses?... Homosexual dirty tricks. It's is the only explanation that makes sense."... Read More →

 

Despite his loss in the U.S. presidential election last night, online wiki Conservapedia has declared Republican Mitt Romney the 45th President of the United States.

The factually challenged conservative alternative to Wikipedia was edited last night to describe a thumping Romney victory in yesterday's presidential contest:

"Romney trounced the Kenyan-born Obama in all 51 states in the Union, plus the territories of Nova Scotia and Hawaii," reads the article.... Read More →

 

Russian president Vladimir Putin has offered Mitt Romney a job guarding a large pile of Siberian dog excrement.

The Slavic strongman made the offer at a televised press conference in Moscow this morning when reporter asked for his reaction the results of the American election:

"I'm happy to working again with Mr. Obama," responded Putin. "And I'm even happier not to be working with the dog-killer from Boston."... Read More →

 

New York Times political statistician Nate Silver has built a new statistical model which says there is a 93.4% chance Joe Scarborough will remain an asshole for the foreseeable future.

The morning television jockey had criticized Silver's ability to forecast elections, calling him an 'ideologue' and a 'joke' on MSNBC's Morning Joe program last week.... Read More →

 

Conservative political pundit Pat Buchanan stoked controversy today by claiming that Barack Obama's reelection has 'killed White America'.

The paleoconservative nativist is no stranger to racial controversy, having previously been accused of writing books with racist and anti-semitic undertones.

But the former Nixon advisor was more explicit on the G. Gordon Liddy Show this morning. When asked for his reaction to Obama's victory, Buchanan replied brazenly:... Read More →

 

downloadSpeaking to an assemblage of reporters on Capitol Hill this morning, Republican Congressional leaders Eric Cantor, John Boehner, and Mitch McConnell promised the nation they will under no circumstances cooperate with the newly reelected President Obama.

Boehner, the Speaker of the House of Representatives, pledged to a rabidly anti-Obama public that his party will do everything it can to sabotage the president's second-term agenda:... Read More →

 

Conservative radio host Rush Limbaugh said tonight that he will be spending the next four years "in exile" in Costa Rica.

The controversial provocateur says he cannot fathom living another four years in Obama's America and will be retreating to a private villa near the Costa Rican resort town of Puntarenas until 2016.

During a live broadcast of his eponymous radio show, the veteran broadcaster explains that he may be leaving, but he won't be silenced:... Read More →