Former anti-masturbation activist and failed Republican U.S. Senate candidate Christine O'Donnell has predicted that the spell she cast on Barack Obama before the last presidential debate should work again for tonight's rematch in New York state.
O'Donnell explains that her ancient "Spell of Torpid Disorientation" is nearly 100% effective at slowing down the cognitive tempo of its target, making them appear to be lazy and uninterested in events around them.... Read More →
In preparation for tomorrow night's presidential debate, U.S. president Barack Obama has secluded himself in a small hotel room where he will watch every Rocky movie ever made - twice.
Advisors to the president say he typically prepares for every big debate or speech by watching at least one film form the classic Sylvester Stallone boxing series.
Obama skipped this ritual two weeks ago, however, when a national security meeting occupied his schedule ahead of the first debate in Denver.... Read More →
U.S. Vice-President Joe Biden has called Republican VP nominee Paul Ryan's mother to apologize for the vicious ass-kicking he gave her son in Thursday night's debate.
The fiery match between the two men featured 69-year old Biden schooling 42-year old Ryan on Afghanistan, Medicare, taxes, and the economy. ... Read More →
FOX announced today that it is renewing freshman half-hour comedy The Mindy Project for an unprecedented six seasons.
The move comes as a shock because the single-camera Mindy Kaling skein has only aired three episodes, and most sitcoms are only renewed a year at a time.... Read More →
Republican U.S. presidential candidate Mitt Romney quietly announced today that he has become a lifetime member of women's reproductive heath organization Planned Parenthood.
In a move intended to appeal to centrist swing voters, the former Massachusetts governor donated $10,000 yesterday to the national organization and $5,000 to its local Boston branch.
... Read More →
The leader of Australia's opposition Liberal Party has issued a statement saying there is no need for Prime Minister Julia Gillard to apologize for her 15 minute rant in Parliament Monday accusing him of being a sexist.
Tony Abbott explains that Gillard was probably on a 'sensitive point in her menstrual cycle' at the time, and thus should not be held responsible for her outburst.... Read More →
Venezuelan President Hugo Chavez was reelected to a new term this week, defeating opposition candidate Henrique Capriles with 55% of the vote.
The socialist firebrand has led Venezuela for the last 14 years, and says he will use his new 6-year term to deepen his "Bolivarian revolution".
Chavez's long reign has been controversial. Supporters laud his success in reducing the country's income inequality and improving the plight of the poor though government assistance programs.... Read More →
Former General Electric CEO Jack Welsh waded further into controversy today by claiming that Osama Bin Laden's death was "probably" staged to help U.S. President Barack Obama win reelection.
In an interview with Canadian business news channel BNN, Welsh explained that although he had no evidence to back up his assertion, something just didn't "feel right" about Bin Laden's demise in May 2011.... Read More →
Former Apple founder and CEO Steve Jobs has almost finished his year-long project of reinventing heaven, The Daily Currant can reveal.
The 56-year-old began his mission to improve eternity's user experience shortly after arriving last October, following a long battle with pancreatic cancer.
Distressed by the stuffy atmosphere behind the pearly gates, Jobs organized a non-profit organization with the goal of remolding heaven in the consumers' image.... Read More →
The international particle physics laboratory CERN was bombed today by radical terrorists from a rival school of theoretical physics.
The Calabi-Yau Martyr Squadron, an extremist group associated with string theory claimed responsibility for the attack, which caused no injuries but severely damaged CERN's particle accelerator - the Large Hadron Collider (LHC) .... Read More →
Comedian Adam Sandler said today that he is nearing his goal of creating the worst movie of all time.
In an exclusive interview with The Daily Currant the SNL alum turned movie star reveals that his decade-long failure to create a critically successful film is no accident, and the streak still has some way to go:
"About ten years ago I decided it would be more fun to punk the studios into making shitty movies than it would be to create good ones," he explains.... Read More →
Todd Akin sparked more outrage today as video emerged of the Missouri U.S. Senate candidate attributing the cause of the Great Depression to allowing women to vote.
A video published by an investigative journalist in France shows Akin at a 2006 closed door Club for Growth meeting in which he claims that the passage of the 19th amendment precipitated the worst economic depression in modern history.
... Read More →
Sarah Palin Calls for Invasion of Czech Republic 
Bloomberg Refused Second Slice of Pizza at Local Restaurant 
Bachmann Threatens to Leave Minnesota Over Marriage Equality 
Pope Benedict Comes Out as Gay 
Ann Coulter Walks Out of Star Trek, Claims ‘Too Many Minorities’ 
Chris Brown Pays Ariel Castro’s Bail 
