ISISventurecapitalIslamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”... Read More →

 

kim-kardashian-for-presidentSocialite, reality television star, and fashion mogul Kim Kardashian announced her candidacy for president in 2016 today, becoming the second official candidate to declare after Senator Ted Cruz.

The news broke when Kim tweeted this morning, “I want to contour this country like I contour my face #KimKardashianForPresident.”... Read More →

 

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

A college fraternity has honored comedian Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award.

According to multiple reports, the Kappa Shata Thata chapter at Western Tennessee State University held a three-hour long ceremony Sunday night honoring the life, work and “pro-male agenda” of the controversial comedian.... Read More →

 

valentines-day-lawsuitA woman from Des Moines, Iowa is suing greeting card company Hallmark for creating Valentine's Day, the pressure from which she claims led to her divorce last year.

Alexandra Richmond, 36, is suing for $126 million in mental and physical damages stemming from her separation from her longtime husband. ... Read More →

 

robot_tesla_elon_muskIn a surprising move, Tesla Motors removed Elon Musk as CEO this morning and replaced him with a highly intelligent robot.

In a statement posted on its website, the pioneering electric car company thanked Musk for his years of service, but told investors that a more efficient executive has been found.... Read More →

 

Divisional Playoffs - Houston Texans v New England PatriotsNew England Patriots quarterback Tom Brady has contracted the measles virus during his team's Super Bowl celebration trip to Disneyland.

According to local reports,  Brady started to have a slight fever and began to show dots on his arms shortly after arriving at Disneyland. The Super Bowl MVP missed the celebration to go home to his Beverly Hills mansion to sleep.... Read More →

 

477343975Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles.

A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected has caused an increase in demand for green juice in which spinach is an ingredient.... Read More →

 

texas_drops_geographyBeginning in the fall of 2015, the state of Texas will no longer teach geography as a part of its public school curriculum.

The money saved from teaching geography will go to new initiatives to teach youngsters how to hunt and properly use firearms.... Read More →

 

ted_cruz_neaderthal_DNATed Cruz got more than he bargained for when he agreed to make public his genetic data from the popular genomics website 23 and Me.

The Texas senator had the tests done as a political stunt, hoping to burnish his science credentials ahead of the 2016 presidential race. However, the strategy backfired dramatically when the results revealed that Cruz’s DNA is 82 percent Neanderthal.... Read More →

 

459239937Today the Australian government officially named Pope Francis as Australian of the Year.

According to a press release on the Ministry of Arts website, the Holy Father was personally chosen for the 2014 honor by Prime Minister Tony Abbott and has been invited to an awards ceremony in Melbourne on March 17.... Read More →

 

178280934Republicans in Congress have decided to rebrand the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline as “Freedom Juice Highway.”

The pipeline would take oil from Canadian tar sands and deliver it to multiple locations in the United States. Environmentalists are opposed the construction of such new pipelines, and Obama has vowed to veto the bill when it reaches his desk.... Read More →

 

Photo:  Flickr / Anthony Quintano

Photo: Flickr / Anthony Quintano

In another brilliant decision, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll has booked a flight next week on Malaysia Airlines.

According to a report this morning in the Seattle Star, Carroll had promised to take his wife to London at the conclusion of the NFL season. Rather than fly direct on British Airways, he has chosen to fly though Kuala Lumpur on the world’s most notorious carrier.... Read More →