texas_executions_pay_per_view_televiseThe State of Texas passed a law today allowing death penalty executions to be aired live on pay-per-view television.

As part of the deal with a local production company, the execution procedure will be changed to ensure the deaths of prisoners last at least 12 hours. Officials say the goals of the new policy are to deter crime, entertain law-abiding citizens, and partially defray the cost of executing prisoners.... Read More →

 

rectal_rehydration_hollywoodThe United State Senate’s 500-page torture report revealed more than some ethically precarious interrogation practices; it blew the lid off one of Hollywood’s best kept fitness secrets: rectal re-hydration. Stars have been using anal feeding for over a decade to maintain their waistlines and careers.... Read More →

 

glen_beck_christmas_tree_fireTelevision personality Glenn Beck rallied his followers to buy his branded “Patriot Star” Christmas tree ornament and light it simultaneously on Christmas Eve to shine to the heavens and “show the world Christmas is stronger than ever and you’ll never be able to take us down.”

However, millions of the poorly made “Patriot Stars” were defective and caught the Christmas trees on fire during the Christmas Eve lighting.... Read More →

 

santa_russia_sleigh_downed_missileRussia shot down Santa Claus’s sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean.

According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya, just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly.... Read More →

 

baby_airline_china_sedatedChinese airline Joy Air now requires babies under the age of 6 to be sedated with the anesthetic propofol prior to boarding, in an effort to reduce levels of child-related noise on its aircraft.

In China, drugs are only allowed when they are deemed to benefit the public, but they are rarely used outside of medical procedures. Crying babies are deemed to be an exception. Parent’s of children under 12 but over 6 will have the option of sedation.... Read More →

 

obama_cigar_congressIn light of recent loosened sanctions against Communist Cuba, President Barack Obama sent current House Leader John Boehner of Ohio and future Senate Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky fine Cuban cigars for Christmas presents.

The president spoke with Cigar Aficionado to comment on the flavorful gifts. Obama sent 1,467 Oliva Serie V Melanio Figurado cigars, which the Aficionado ranked the best cigar of 2014. This number of cigars is enough for Boehner and McConnell to smoke a cigar per day for the rest of Obama’s presidency.... Read More →

 

obama_sony_balls“All I want for Christmas is for Sony to grow some balls,” Obama told reporters today in response to the movie studio pulling their film The Interview from theaters.

North Korean hackers broke into Sony Picture databases early this week and publicly released private information on current and former employees. This included everything from e-mails to healthcare documents.... Read More →

 

bachmanchristmasEarlier this week, soon-to-be former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made headlines for her run-in with President Barack Obama at a White House Holiday party, where she implored him to “bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities,” to which the President replied, “Well, Michele, not this Christmas, but maybe next year.”

Offended, Bachmann chose to cut right through any government red tape and go directly to the man in the red suit to make all her Christmas wishes come true.

The Minnesota Republican accidentally leaked the letter she penned to Santa, when she attached the document to a mass e-vite to her tea party themed congressional retirement party.  In the letter, she asks Santa to drop “a bomb or two” from his sleigh on his way over the Middle East and swears “[she] was a good girl this year.”... Read More →

 

kanye_west_time_capsule_space_aliensHip-hop star Kanye West launched a rocket into space containing a time capsule with the intent of communicating with aliens. “I know where they are and who better to represent planet Earth than me?” Kanye told Rap Star Weekly. “It’s my Christmas gift to the world, the galaxy, the universe, to all of existence.”

After two years of development, the $65 million space rocket successfully launched in Okhotsk, Russia at 1:34 p.m. VLAT time zone and was aimed towards the Andromeda Galaxy. The whole West family looked on, as all three stages of the rockets ignited without a hitch.

“I was a little nervous,” Kanye said. “You never know with those Russian rockets. If it was a Kanye-built rocket, there wouldn’t be a need to be nervous.”... Read More →

 

jaycutlerquitAfter being benched for the upcoming football game against the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told CSN Chicago, “Whatever, I quit.”

After a turbulent six years in Chicago, the ridiculed QB has decided to quit football to pursue other ventures. “If the team doesn’t want me, I don’t want them. It’s that simple,” Cutler said. “They can take their $85 million and shove it.”     ... Read More →

 

ilensApple just announced the launch of the iLens, a smart contact lens that works like the Google Glass but “better” according to James Milton, an Apple rep.

The iLens costs $299 for 64GB and $499 for 124GB, and Apple hopes it will compliment the iWatch and iPhone.... Read More →

 

alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →