deblasio_car_towedNew York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has had his car towed 150 times the last few days and racked up record towing and storage fees, possibly stemming from his rift with the New York Police Department.

According to NYPD records, police have towed de Blasio’s Chevrolet Tahoe SUV for violating various city parking laws, ranging from “not displaying driving goggles on the dashboard” and “leaving the car’s rear tires too far from the parking block” to “parking within 0.0015 nautical miles of a fire hydrant” and “parking a Chevy in Queens on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and/or weekend.”... Read More →

 

republicans_accidentally_sworn_in_quranCongress is in panic today after discovering that new and re-elected Congressmen accidentally took their oath of office on a Quran instead of a Bible during swearing-in ceremonies on Capitol Hill.

The embarrassing mix-up was revealed to the new and reelected members of the House and Senate as they convened for the new session. Vice President Joe Biden was speaking with House Speaker John Boehner when he opened up the book and reportedly asked why the inside text was written in “funny lines, dots and squiggles.”... Read More →

 

limbaugh_bond_villianPolitical pundit and radio host Rush Limbaugh has been cast to play the James Bond villain in Sony’s 24th installment of the venerable spy franchise, Spectre.... Read More →

 

nfl_refs_lions

Photo: Thinkstock

The Detroit Lions were defeated today by NFL Referees in a nail-biting 24-20 game at ATT Stadium in Dallas.

Quarterback Matthew Stafford threw for over 300 yards against the five-man crew, but came up short in the fourth quarter when a blown pass interference call turned the momentum of the game.... Read More →

 

cutler_rg3_trade_redskins_bearsThe National Football League (NFL) was rocked today by the puzzling trade of Chicago Bears’ quarterback Jay Cutler for the Washington Redskins’ Robert Griffin III.

Bears owner Virginia McCaskey facilitated the bizarre swap, which is designed to give both teams a successful franchise quarterback by moving mediocre players to new cities.

... Read More →

 

uber_pricing_new_years_satireThe car transportation service Uber is requiring its riders to pay a minimum of $175 per ride on New Year's Eve.

Chief Operating Officer Travis Kalanick told Business Insider, “It’s just supply and demand.”

Uber uses a cell phone application to determine your location and have their drivers pick you up. The passenger then automatically pays through the Uber app, which needs a credit or debit card attached. It’s a seamless and efficient transaction which has led to the company being valued at over $40 billion.... Read More →

 

texas_executions_pay_per_view_televiseThe State of Texas passed a law today allowing death penalty executions to be aired live on pay-per-view television.

As part of the deal with a local production company, the execution procedure will be changed to ensure the deaths of prisoners last at least 12 hours. Officials say the goals of the new policy are to deter crime, entertain law-abiding citizens, and partially defray the cost of executing prisoners.... Read More →

 

rectal_rehydration_hollywoodThe United State Senate’s 500-page torture report revealed more than some ethically precarious interrogation practices; it blew the lid off one of Hollywood’s best kept fitness secrets: rectal re-hydration. Stars have been using anal feeding for over a decade to maintain their waistlines and careers.... Read More →

 

santa_russia_sleigh_downed_missileRussia shot down Santa Claus’s sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean.

According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya, just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly.... Read More →

 

obama_cigar_congressIn light of recent loosened sanctions against Communist Cuba, President Barack Obama sent current House Leader John Boehner of Ohio and future Senate Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky fine Cuban cigars for Christmas presents.

The president spoke with Cigar Aficionado to comment on the flavorful gifts. Obama sent 1,467 Oliva Serie V Melanio Figurado cigars, which the Aficionado ranked the best cigar of 2014. This number of cigars is enough for Boehner and McConnell to smoke a cigar per day for the rest of Obama’s presidency.... Read More →

 

obama_sony_balls“All I want for Christmas is for Sony to grow some balls,” Obama told reporters today in response to the movie studio pulling their film The Interview from theaters.

North Korean hackers broke into Sony Picture databases early this week and publicly released private information on current and former employees. This included everything from e-mails to healthcare documents.... Read More →

 

bachmanchristmasEarlier this week, soon-to-be former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made headlines for her run-in with President Barack Obama at a White House Holiday party, where she implored him to “bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities,” to which the President replied, “Well, Michele, not this Christmas, but maybe next year.”

Offended, Bachmann chose to cut right through any government red tape and go directly to the man in the red suit to make all her Christmas wishes come true.

The Minnesota Republican accidentally leaked the letter she penned to Santa, when she attached the document to a mass e-vite to her tea party themed congressional retirement party.  In the letter, she asks Santa to drop “a bomb or two” from his sleigh on his way over the Middle East and swears “[she] was a good girl this year.”... Read More →