uber_pricing_new_years_satireThe car transportation service Uber is requiring its riders to pay a minimum of $175 per ride on New Year's Eve.

Chief Operating Officer Travis Kalanick told Business Insider, “It’s just supply and demand.”

Uber uses a cell phone application to determine your location and have their drivers pick you up. The passenger then automatically pays through the Uber app, which needs a credit or debit card attached. It’s a seamless and efficient transaction which has led to the company being valued at over $40 billion.... Read More →

 

texas_executions_pay_per_view_televiseThe State of Texas passed a law today allowing death penalty executions to be aired live on pay-per-view television.

As part of the deal with a local production company, the execution procedure will be changed to ensure the deaths of prisoners last at least 12 hours. Officials say the goals of the new policy are to deter crime, entertain law-abiding citizens, and partially defray the cost of executing prisoners.... Read More →

 

rectal_rehydration_hollywoodThe United State Senate’s 500-page torture report revealed more than some ethically precarious interrogation practices; it blew the lid off one of Hollywood’s best kept fitness secrets: rectal re-hydration. Stars have been using anal feeding for over a decade to maintain their waistlines and careers.... Read More →

 

santa_russia_sleigh_downed_missileRussia shot down Santa Claus’s sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean.

According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya, just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly.... Read More →

 

obama_cigar_congressIn light of recent loosened sanctions against Communist Cuba, President Barack Obama sent current House Leader John Boehner of Ohio and future Senate Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky fine Cuban cigars for Christmas presents.

The president spoke with Cigar Aficionado to comment on the flavorful gifts. Obama sent 1,467 Oliva Serie V Melanio Figurado cigars, which the Aficionado ranked the best cigar of 2014. This number of cigars is enough for Boehner and McConnell to smoke a cigar per day for the rest of Obama’s presidency.... Read More →

 

obama_sony_balls“All I want for Christmas is for Sony to grow some balls,” Obama told reporters today in response to the movie studio pulling their film The Interview from theaters.

North Korean hackers broke into Sony Picture databases early this week and publicly released private information on current and former employees. This included everything from e-mails to healthcare documents.... Read More →

 

kanye_west_time_capsule_space_aliensHip-hop star Kanye West launched a rocket into space containing a time capsule with the intent of communicating with aliens. “I know where they are and who better to represent planet Earth than me?” Kanye told Rap Star Weekly. “It’s my Christmas gift to the world, the galaxy, the universe, to all of existence.”

After two years of development, the $65 million space rocket successfully launched in Okhotsk, Russia at 1:34 p.m. VLAT time zone and was aimed towards the Andromeda Galaxy. The whole West family looked on, as all three stages of the rockets ignited without a hitch.

“I was a little nervous,” Kanye said. “You never know with those Russian rockets. If it was a Kanye-built rocket, there wouldn’t be a need to be nervous.”... Read More →

 

jaycutlerquitAfter being benched for the upcoming football game against the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told CSN Chicago, “Whatever, I quit.”

After a turbulent six years in Chicago, the ridiculed QB has decided to quit football to pursue other ventures. “If the team doesn’t want me, I don’t want them. It’s that simple,” Cutler said. “They can take their $85 million and shove it.”     ... Read More →

 

ilensApple just announced the launch of the iLens, a smart contact lens that works like the Google Glass but “better” according to James Milton, an Apple rep.

The iLens costs $299 for 64GB and $499 for 124GB, and Apple hopes it will compliment the iWatch and iPhone.... Read More →

 

alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →

 

losangelescarcrashrainThe Los Angeles Department of Traffic reported over 3 million car accidents during one day of moderate rainfall yesterday when the area was hit with one inch of recorded precipitation.

With 16 million people in the  area, that accounts for 1 in 4 people, 25% the population, crashing in just a single day. This breaks the 1997 record when 22% of the people were in an accident after even lighter rain fall.  ... Read More →

 

coulteramtrackmasturbationConservative commentator Ann Coulter was caught masturbating to the Senate’s CIA Torture Report in an Amtrak bathroom as she traveled from Washington D.C. to New York City via the Silver Service line on Sunday.

Amy Walker, the Amtrak employee who discovered Coulter, thought the restroom was vacant. When she opened the door, she witnessed Coulter with her legs spread apart and the political pundit playing with her private parts. Coulter, unphased, then told Walker, “Do you mind?” which is when Walker shut the door and patiently waited outside the washroom.... Read More →