Politics

 

178280934Republicans in Congress have decided to rebrand the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline as “Freedom Juice Highway.”

The pipeline would take oil from Canadian tar sands and deliver it to multiple locations in the United States. Environmentalists are opposed the construction of such new pipelines, and Obama has vowed to veto the bill when it reaches his desk.... Read More →

 

041414_bachmann_819Michele Bachmann claimed today that Muslims invented global warming in hopes of weakening the American economy before a full-scale jihadi invasion.

In an interview with Fox Business this morning, the former congresswoman from Minnesota was asked her opinion on the recent report that 2014 was the warmest year on record, a fact most scientists believe is linked to human-induced climate change.... Read More →

 

isis_student_debtThe Islamic State (ISIS) is offering to pay 100 percent of student college debt in return for joining their army. The program is aimed at Americans who are disgruntled about their debt load and lack of jobs in their specific fields of study.

ISIS spokesman Haji Mutazz told Al Jazeera, “You become debt free and fight in the name of Allah at the same time. Great deal for everyone. You fight, we pay for your philosophy major.”  ... Read More →

 

fox_news_gays_londonAn expert appeared on Fox News last night and claimed that 85 percent of Londoners are homosexual.

During a segment about the future of gay marriage around the world, Greg Bolton -- the channel’s senior European social policy analyst -- told a stunned panel that rates of homosexuality are rising exponentially across Europe and show no sign of stopping.... Read More →

 

republicans_racisimRepublicans in Congress passed a bill today officially declaring that racism no longer exists in the United States.

Large majorities of conservative lawmakers in both the House and Senate voted for the symbolic measure, which coincided with this year’s Martin Luther King Day holiday.... Read More →

 

milk-sorotity-mlkArizona State University’s Kappa Kappa Gamma (KKG) chapter is getting a lot of backlash after throwing an MLK event this weekend in remembrance of “milk,” as in the beverage.

“No one uses vowels anymore. Of course MLK stands for milk. It’s like a vanity plate,” said sorority president Lisa Henderson in a chapter meeting. “Like how my license plate says, 'PRNCZZ7,’ for Princess 7, obviously.”... Read More →

 

[Sans titre]In a stunning Pewter Poll, it was revealed today that a majority of American high schoolers think civil rights icon Martin Luther King Jr. was president of the United States before his assassination in 1968.

About 3,169 high schoolers from grade 9 through 12 were polled on Jan. 16 in a survey that simply asked if Martin Luther King Jr. was ever the president of the United States. The results shocked Pewter, who reported 67 percent of high schoolers thought King has held that office.... Read More →

 

Photo: Youtube

Photo: Youtube

Atheist militants bombed The Flinstones writers’ offices in Burbank, California this morning because the cartoon’s depiction of prehistoric life contradicts the theory of evolution.

According to local reports, the suspects laid siege to the compound with a series of grenades and IEDs.  They were targeting the creators of the popular cartoon series, but preliminary reports indicate the offices were vacant at the time and no injuries have been reported.... Read More →

 

80379915As he considers yet another run for president in 2016, Mitt Romney revealed today a tattoo of an American flag pin on his chest.

“This time, I'm all in,” Romney told a group of campaign donors in Florida, “and this tattoo proves it. I don't see any other Republican candidates with the flag tattooed on their torso. Maybe they don't love their country as much as I do.”... Read More →

 

palin_charlie_brown_muslims

Photo: Thinkstock

A confused Sarah Palin appeared on Fox News this morning and blasted Islamic extremists for killing the cartoonists who draw the Charlie Brown comic strip.

The Fox and Friends crew were baffled by Palin’s diatribe, until they realized she was mistaking Charlie Hebdo -- the French satirical magazine targeted by Al-Qaeda this week -- with the iconic American comic strip character.... Read More →

 

missouri_masturbate_permission

Photo: Thinkstock

Effective this year, a bill sponsored by conservative, pro-life women’s advocacy group Give Motherhood A Chance has now made it illegal for men to masturbate without the notarized permission of their sexual partners.

Since State Rep. Rick Brattin’s attempt to require pregnant women seeking abortions to receive notarized consent from the baby’s father, Missouri lawmakers had entered a heated lobby to cement the state’s stance on reproductive rights. ... Read More →

 

republican_congress_landmine_mexico_borderThe Republican House and Senate passed a bill today that would line the Mexican-American border with over 1.2 million PMZ-40 landmines.

The bill, officially named the Patriotic American Protection Act (PAPA), will place three landmines every 10 feet across the entire 1,989-mile Mexican-American border.... Read More →