Politics

 

deblasio_car_towedNew York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has had his car towed 150 times the last few days and racked up record towing and storage fees, possibly stemming from his rift with the New York Police Department.

According to NYPD records, police have towed de Blasio’s Chevrolet Tahoe SUV for violating various city parking laws, ranging from “not displaying driving goggles on the dashboard” and “leaving the car’s rear tires too far from the parking block” to “parking within 0.0015 nautical miles of a fire hydrant” and “parking a Chevy in Queens on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and/or weekend.”... Read More →

 

republicans_accidentally_sworn_in_quranCongress is in panic today after discovering that new and re-elected Congressmen accidentally took their oath of office on a Quran instead of a Bible during swearing-in ceremonies on Capitol Hill.

The embarrassing mix-up was revealed to the new and reelected members of the House and Senate as they convened for the new session. Vice President Joe Biden was speaking with House Speaker John Boehner when he opened up the book and reportedly asked why the inside text was written in “funny lines, dots and squiggles.”... Read More →

 

texas_executions_pay_per_view_televiseThe State of Texas passed a law today allowing death penalty executions to be aired live on pay-per-view television.

As part of the deal with a local production company, the execution procedure will be changed to ensure the deaths of prisoners last at least 12 hours. Officials say the goals of the new policy are to deter crime, entertain law-abiding citizens, and partially defray the cost of executing prisoners.... Read More →

 

santa_russia_sleigh_downed_missileRussia shot down Santa Claus’s sleigh today in international airspace over the Arctic Ocean.

According to local reports, the sleigh was beginning its annual Christmas Eve journey around the world when it was struck by a surface-to-air missile fired from the Russian island of Novaya Zemlya, just a few hundred miles from the North Pole. Santa and nearly all of his reindeer were killed instantly.... Read More →

 

obama_cigar_congressIn light of recent loosened sanctions against Communist Cuba, President Barack Obama sent current House Leader John Boehner of Ohio and future Senate Leader Mitch McConnell of Kentucky fine Cuban cigars for Christmas presents.

The president spoke with Cigar Aficionado to comment on the flavorful gifts. Obama sent 1,467 Oliva Serie V Melanio Figurado cigars, which the Aficionado ranked the best cigar of 2014. This number of cigars is enough for Boehner and McConnell to smoke a cigar per day for the rest of Obama’s presidency.... Read More →

 

obama_sony_balls“All I want for Christmas is for Sony to grow some balls,” Obama told reporters today in response to the movie studio pulling their film The Interview from theaters.

North Korean hackers broke into Sony Picture databases early this week and publicly released private information on current and former employees. This included everything from e-mails to healthcare documents.... Read More →

 

bachmanchristmasEarlier this week, soon-to-be former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made headlines for her run-in with President Barack Obama at a White House Holiday party, where she implored him to “bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities,” to which the President replied, “Well, Michele, not this Christmas, but maybe next year.”

Offended, Bachmann chose to cut right through any government red tape and go directly to the man in the red suit to make all her Christmas wishes come true.

The Minnesota Republican accidentally leaked the letter she penned to Santa, when she attached the document to a mass e-vite to her tea party themed congressional retirement party.  In the letter, she asks Santa to drop “a bomb or two” from his sleigh on his way over the Middle East and swears “[she] was a good girl this year.”... Read More →

 

alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →

 

coulteramtrackmasturbationConservative commentator Ann Coulter was caught masturbating to the Senate’s CIA Torture Report in an Amtrak bathroom as she traveled from Washington D.C. to New York City via the Silver Service line on Sunday.

Amy Walker, the Amtrak employee who discovered Coulter, thought the restroom was vacant. When she opened the door, she witnessed Coulter with her legs spread apart and the political pundit playing with her private parts. Coulter, unphased, then told Walker, “Do you mind?” which is when Walker shut the door and patiently waited outside the washroom.... Read More →

 

Native American Amnesty

Photo: Thinkstock

A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States.

At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.... Read More →

 

palinhannitySarah Palin claimed today that the government should force Mexican immigrants to convert to Christianity.

In an interview with Fox News last night, the former Alaskan governor was asked about whether or not America should welcome the estimated 5 million illegal immigrants who will be legalized under President Obama’s immigration plan.... Read More →

 

dunkindonutscopsProtestors in New York City burned down a Dunkin' Donuts store last night in retaliation for the death of Eric Garner and other victims of police brutality.

According to local reports, several youths used Molotov cocktails to set fire to a branch of the venerable donut and coffee chain in Manhattan, believing its destruction would "punish" the police force. No one was injured in the blaze and four arrests were made.... Read More →