Politics

 

republicans_racisimRepublicans in Congress passed a bill today officially declaring that racism no longer exists in the United States.

Large majorities of conservative lawmakers in both the House and Senate voted for the symbolic measure, which coincided with this year’s Martin Luther King Day holiday.... Read More →

 

milk-sorotity-mlkArizona State University’s Kappa Kappa Gamma (KKG) chapter is getting a lot of backlash after throwing an MLK event this weekend in remembrance of “milk,” as in the beverage.

“No one uses vowels anymore. Of course MLK stands for milk. It’s like a vanity plate,” said sorority president Lisa Henderson in a chapter meeting. “Like how my license plate says, 'PRNCZZ7,’ for Princess 7, obviously.”... Read More →

 

[Sans titre]In a stunning Pewter Poll, it was revealed today that a majority of American high schoolers think civil rights icon Martin Luther King Jr. was president of the United States before his assassination in 1968.

About 3,169 high schoolers from grade 9 through 12 were polled on Jan. 16 in a survey that simply asked if Martin Luther King Jr. was ever the president of the United States. The results shocked Pewter, who reported 67 percent of high schoolers thought King has held that office.... Read More →

 

Photo: Youtube

Photo: Youtube

Atheist militants bombed The Flinstones writers’ offices in Burbank, California this morning because the cartoon’s depiction of prehistoric life contradicts the theory of evolution.

According to local reports, the suspects laid siege to the compound with a series of grenades and IEDs.  They were targeting the creators of the popular cartoon series, but preliminary reports indicate the offices were vacant at the time and no injuries have been reported.... Read More →

 

80379915As he considers yet another run for president in 2016, Mitt Romney revealed today a tattoo of an American flag pin on his chest.

“This time, I'm all in,” Romney told a group of campaign donors in Florida, “and this tattoo proves it. I don't see any other Republican candidates with the flag tattooed on their torso. Maybe they don't love their country as much as I do.”... Read More →

 

palin_charlie_brown_muslims

Photo: Thinkstock

A confused Sarah Palin appeared on Fox News this morning and blasted Islamic extremists for killing the cartoonists who draw the Charlie Brown comic strip.

The Fox and Friends crew were baffled by Palin’s diatribe, until they realized she was mistaking Charlie Hebdo -- the French satirical magazine targeted by Al-Qaeda this week -- with the iconic American comic strip character.... Read More →

 

missouri_masturbate_permission

Photo: Thinkstock

Effective this year, a bill sponsored by conservative, pro-life women’s advocacy group Give Motherhood A Chance has now made it illegal for men to masturbate without the notarized permission of their sexual partners.

Since State Rep. Rick Brattin’s attempt to require pregnant women seeking abortions to receive notarized consent from the baby’s father, Missouri lawmakers had entered a heated lobby to cement the state’s stance on reproductive rights. ... Read More →

 

republican_congress_landmine_mexico_borderThe Republican House and Senate passed a bill today that would line the Mexican-American border with over 1.2 million PMZ-40 landmines.

The bill, officially named the Patriotic American Protection Act (PAPA), will place three landmines every 10 feet across the entire 1,989-mile Mexican-American border.... Read More →

 

obama_cannot_breathe_shirt_congressPresident Obama surprised Congress today when he attended the 114th Congressional swearing-in ceremony wearing an “I Can’t Breathe” T-shirt.

Republican elected officials looked “stunned” as the president entered congressional chambers. Reporters said the Republican congressmen looked breathless and “whiter than usual.”... Read More →

 

deblasio_car_towedNew York City Mayor Bill de Blasio has had his car towed 150 times the last few days and racked up record towing and storage fees, possibly stemming from his rift with the New York Police Department.

According to NYPD records, police have towed de Blasio’s Chevrolet Tahoe SUV for violating various city parking laws, ranging from “not displaying driving goggles on the dashboard” and “leaving the car’s rear tires too far from the parking block” to “parking within 0.0015 nautical miles of a fire hydrant” and “parking a Chevy in Queens on a Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and/or weekend.”... Read More →

 

republicans_accidentally_sworn_in_quranCongress is in panic today after discovering that new and re-elected Congressmen accidentally took their oath of office on a Quran instead of a Bible during swearing-in ceremonies on Capitol Hill.

The embarrassing mix-up was revealed to the new and reelected members of the House and Senate as they convened for the new session. Vice President Joe Biden was speaking with House Speaker John Boehner when he opened up the book and reportedly asked why the inside text was written in “funny lines, dots and squiggles.”... Read More →

 

texas_executions_pay_per_view_televiseThe State of Texas passed a law today allowing death penalty executions to be aired live on pay-per-view television.

As part of the deal with a local production company, the execution procedure will be changed to ensure the deaths of prisoners last at least 12 hours. Officials say the goals of the new policy are to deter crime, entertain law-abiding citizens, and partially defray the cost of executing prisoners.... Read More →