Photo: Gage Skidmore

At a town hall meeting in Arlington, Texas today Republican presidential candidate Ted Cruz went to extreme measures to court the Evangelical vote.

“I masturbate to the Bible every night,” he told the audience, “That’s how much I love God. And that’s how much I love America. And as an American, I’m not afraid to say it.”... Read More →

 

ISISventurecapitalIslamic State (ISIS) leader Bin Hebdo Muhammad announced today they have acquired $15.6 billion in a Series C funding round through Haliburton VC and Academi, formerly Blackwater Corp.

“We are ecstatic about this new round of funding,” said Muhammed. “As we begin to blossom into a bigger enterprise, our partnerships with these fine companies will add tremendous value and knowledge with waging war not only physically but politically.”... Read More →

 

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

Credit: Getty Images / Spencer Platt

A college fraternity has honored comedian Bill Cosby with a lifetime achievement award.

According to multiple reports, the Kappa Shata Thata chapter at Western Tennessee State University held a three-hour long ceremony Sunday night honoring the life, work and “pro-male agenda” of the controversial comedian.... Read More →

 

robot_tesla_elon_muskIn a surprising move, Tesla Motors removed Elon Musk as CEO this morning and replaced him with a highly intelligent robot.

In a statement posted on its website, the pioneering electric car company thanked Musk for his years of service, but told investors that a more efficient executive has been found.... Read More →

 

477343975Spinach contaminated with E. coli has spawned a questionable health cleansing trend in Los Angeles.

A spinach supplier to many L.A. juiceries has just announced a recall of any juices containing the leafing green, after dozens were hospitalized with serious E. coli infections. However, the rapid weight loss experienced by those affected has caused an increase in demand for green juice in which spinach is an ingredient.... Read More →

 

178280934Republicans in Congress have decided to rebrand the controversial Keystone XL oil pipeline as “Freedom Juice Highway.”

The pipeline would take oil from Canadian tar sands and deliver it to multiple locations in the United States. Environmentalists are opposed the construction of such new pipelines, and Obama has vowed to veto the bill when it reaches his desk.... Read More →

 

ted_cruz_neaderthal_DNATed Cruz got more than he bargained for when he agreed to make public his genetic data from the popular genomics website 23 and Me.

The Texas senator had the tests done as a political stunt, hoping to burnish his science credentials ahead of the 2016 presidential race. However, the strategy backfired dramatically when the results revealed that Cruz’s DNA is 82 percent Neanderthal.... Read More →

 

Photo:  Flickr / Anthony Quintano

Photo: Flickr / Anthony Quintano

In another brilliant decision, Seahawks coach Pete Carroll has booked a flight next week on Malaysia Airlines.

According to a report this morning in the Seattle Star, Carroll had promised to take his wife to London at the conclusion of the NFL season. Rather than fly direct on British Airways, he has chosen to fly though Kuala Lumpur on the world’s most notorious carrier.... Read More →

 

american_sniper_iraq_box_officeThe Hollywood blockbuster film American Sniper failed to gain traction overseas, specifically in Iraq where the film brought in $37.50 on 176 screens. It broke $100 million during its North American release weekend and is up for several Oscar awards.

“The glorification of the invaders sniping our people was not going to go over well,” Iraqi Film Minister Ahad al-Obama told Variety. “I was surprised it was released here to begin with. I don’t know what the distributors were thinking.”

Zero Dark Thirty also failed to make $100 during its three-week run in 2012, making it the biggest bomb in Iraqi history. American Sniper is poised to break that record.... Read More →

 

041414_bachmann_819Michele Bachmann claimed today that Muslims invented global warming in hopes of weakening the American economy before a full-scale jihadi invasion.

In an interview with Fox Business this morning, the former congresswoman from Minnesota was asked her opinion on the recent report that 2014 was the warmest year on record, a fact most scientists believe is linked to human-induced climate change.... Read More →

 

fox_news_gays_londonAn expert appeared on Fox News last night and claimed that 85 percent of Londoners are homosexual.

During a segment about the future of gay marriage around the world, Greg Bolton -- the channel’s senior European social policy analyst -- told a stunned panel that rates of homosexuality are rising exponentially across Europe and show no sign of stopping.... Read More →

 

republicans_racisimRepublicans in Congress passed a bill today officially declaring that racism no longer exists in the United States.

Large majorities of conservative lawmakers in both the House and Senate voted for the symbolic measure, which coincided with this year’s Martin Luther King Day holiday.... Read More →