1280px-Commissioner_Goodell_at_the_2010_NFL_Draft_podiumThe National Football League plans to give players cash bonuses if they stay out of trouble with the law.

In a press conference this morning, NFL representatives said the new “Social Responsibility Club” will set up a series of milestones that will be paid out to players for a clean police record.... Read More →

 

palinumbrellaSarah Palin reminded a national television audience this morning to use their umbrellas during today's solar storm.

The former Alaskan governor appeared on Fox and Friends to promote her new children's book on how the liberal media is destroying America.  Midway though the interview, anchor Brian Kilmeade took a minute to update the audience on a breaking news story.... Read More →

 

SanFranciscoStrightMarriageThe City of San Francisco banned straight marriage today on the grounds that heterosexual behavior is unnatural and a threat to same-sex relationships.

In a close vote the city’s Board of Supervisors passed a resolution this morning barring opposite sex couples in the city from marrying one another effective immediately. All existing unions between one man and one woman will also be nullified.... Read More →

 

474455397India celebrated the installation of the country’s 100th toilet today.

In a posh ceremony outside Mumbai this afternoon, Prime Minister Narendra Modi unveiled a state-of-the-art dual-gender outhouse, which will serve a crowded government office building on the outskirts of the city.... Read More →

 

481235933Baltimore Ravens fans are rioting in the streets to protest running back Ray Rice’s release by their beloved NFL franchise.

According to local reports, 17 people were arrested last night after fans overturned cars, looted retail stores, and threw Molotov cocktails at police. Three injuries have been reported, one of them critical.... Read More →

 

163388444Boston’s Emerson College has announced it will offer a class on selfies as a part of the upcoming 2015 spring semester.

The course, called “My Self, My Selife: The Art of The Self Portrait,” will be an in depth study on the history of the narcissistic trend and compulsion of posting photos of oneself on social media.... Read More →

 

WashingtonMonumentBallsThe National Park Service announced plans today for a new visitors’ center at the Washington Monument.

In a press conference this morning, officials unveiled the final design for the long-delayed project. The new addition -- in the shape of two large spheres attached to the monument's base -- hopes to increase revenue generation from the historic site.... Read More →

 

176869786Thanks to the viral success of the ice bucket challenge, which has raised $95 million for the ALS Association, Congress has pledged to slash $1 billion previously budgeted for life-saving medical research.

The $95 million is a drop in the bucket compared to Congress’ budget cuts to the National Institutes of Health (NIH), the government agency that spends billions of dollars a year funding medical research on causes such as ALS, cancer, mental health, diabetes, drug abuse, and strokes.... Read More →

 

carrotdogPublic schools around the nation will replace hot dogs with "carrot dogs" this fall as the result of Michelle Obama’s Let’s Move campaign.

At a national Parent-Teacher Associations conference the First Lady unveiled the new healthy item, which represents the future of American school lunch menus.... Read More →

 

georgiavendingmachinesGeorgia has become the first state in the union to legalize handgun vending machines.

In a ceremony today in Atlanta, Gov. Nathan Deal signed the Firearms Freedom and Accessibility Act (FFAA), which allows the sale of handguns in automated machines that accept cash, credit and debit cards.... Read More →

 

Screen-Shot-2014-08-15-at-4.01.27-PM-1280x730Police in Ferguson, Missouri beheaded an American journalist today.

According to multiple reports, Edward Baxter was working on a story inside a local McDonald's when police approached and asked him to hand over his laptop.... Read More →

 

477850221The urban myth of the “brown note” - a noise which causes uncontrollable bowel movements - has became reality in Ferguson, Missouri.

Today police used a device called the B-Note 300XS to disperse protesters gathered for the killing of unarmed 18-year-old Michael Brown. It creates a frequency of 5 to 9 Hz and was successful in causing unsuspecting protesters to defecate themselves in public.... Read More →