obama_sony_balls“All I want for Christmas is for Sony to grow some balls,” Obama told reporters today in response to the movie studio pulling their film The Interview from theaters.

North Korean hackers broke into Sony Picture databases early this week and publicly released private information on current and former employees. This included everything from emails to healthcare documents.... Read More →

 

bachmanchristmasEarlier this week, soon-to-be former Congresswoman Michele Bachmann made headlines for her run-in with President Barack Obama at a White House Holiday party, where she implored him to “bomb the Iranian nuclear facilities,” to which the President replied, “Well, Michele, not this Christmas, but maybe next year.”

Offended, Bachmann chose to cut right through any government red tape and go directly to the man in the red suit to make all her Christmas wishes come true. The Minnesota Republican accidentally leaked the letter she penned to Santa, when she attached the document to a mass e-vite to her tea party themed congressional retirement party.  In the letter, she asks Santa to drop “a bomb or two” from his sleigh on his way over the Middle East and swears “she was a good girl this year.”... Read More →

 

kanye_west_time_capsule_space_aliensHip-hop star Kanye West launched a rocket into space containing a time capsule with the intent of communicating with aliens. “I know where they are and who better to represent planet Earth than me?,” Kanye told Rap Star Weekly. “It’s my Christmas gift to the world, the galaxy, the universe, to all of existence.”

After two years of development, the $65 million space rocket successfully launched in Okhotsk, Russia at 1:34pm VLAT time zone and was aimed towards the Andromeda Galaxy. The whole West family looked on, as all three stages of the rockets ignited without a hitch. “I was a little nervous,” said Kanye. “You never know with those Russian rockets. If it was a Kanye built rocket, there wouldn’t be a need to be nervous.”... Read More →

 

jaycutlerquitAfter being benched for the upcoming football game against the Detroit Lions, Chicago Bears quarterback Jay Cutler told CSN Chicago, “Whatever, I quit.”

After a turbulent six years in Chicago, the ridiculed QB has decided to quit football to pursue other ventures. “If the team doesn’t want me, I don’t want them. It’s that simple,” Cutler said. “They can take their $85 million and shove it.”     ... Read More →

 

ilensApple just announced the launch of the iLens, a smart contact lens that works like the Google Glass but “better” according to James Milton, an Apple rep.

The iLens costs $299 for 64GB and $499 for 124GB, and Apple hopes it will compliment the iWatch and iPhone.... Read More →

 

alabama_legalizes_weed_white_people_guyThe state of Alabama passed a law today legalizing weed for white people.

In a ceremony today at the capitol building in Montgomery, Gov. Robert Bentley signed the Responsible Marijuana Access Act (RMAA). The law would legalize the recreational use of marijuana for white people, while continuing to criminalize its use for blacks. ... Read More →

 

scientistsgeneticlallyengineercowsTokyo University scientists have used genetic engineering to create cows that produce orange juice instead of traditional milk.

According to a report in New Japan Times Weekly (NJTW, the juice is a little creamier than your store bought orange juice but the taste is exactly the same. The drink is called Kawai Saiko, loosely translates to “Tasty Bovine Pleasure Juice.”... Read More →

 

manzielhollywood

Credit: youtube.com

Two days after a home loss shutout for the first time in his football career, Cleveland Browns quarterback Johnny Manziel has chosen his new path of glitz and glamour in Hollywood.

“I can’t make enough money in football,” Manziel told a room of reporters before leaving the Cleveland Browns training facility Tuesday morning. “I’m going to Hollyhooood!.”... Read More →

 

losangelescarcrashrainThe Los Angeles Department of Traffic reported over 3 million car accidents during one day of moderate rainfall yesterday when the area was hit with one inch of recorded precipitation.

With 16 million people in the  area, that accounts for 1 in 4 people, 25% the population, crashing in just a single day. This breaks the 1997 record when 22% of the people were in an accident after even lighter rain fall.  ... Read More →

 

coulteramtrackmasturbationConservative commentator Ann Coulter was caught masturbating to the Senate’s CIA Torture Report in an Amtrak bathroom as she traveled from Washington D.C. to New York City via the Silver Service line on Sunday.

Amy Walker, the Amtrak employee who discovered Coulter, thought the restroom was vacant. When she opened the door, she witnessed Coulter with her legs spread apart and the political pundit playing with her private parts. Coulter, unphased, then told Walker, “Do you mind?” which is when Walker shut the door and patiently waited outside the washroom.... Read More →

 

CIA_Director_John_O._BrennanFollowing recent revelations that the CIA brutally interrogated innocent people, violated laws, mismanaged the program, wasted millions of dollars, failed to get accurate information, and deliberately lied about it, the intelligence agency has pledged to be more transparent about potential torture programs in the future.

In an appearance before the Senate intelligence committee this morning, CIA Director John Brennan outlined his plan to restore Americans’ confidence in state-sanctioned torture, should the government ever need it again when fighting terrorism.... Read More →

 

458116017 A council of Native American leaders has offered partial amnesty to the estimated 220 million illegal white immigrants living in the United States.

At a meeting of the Native Peoples Council (NPC) in Albuquerque, New Mexico yesterday, Native American leaders considered several proposals on the future of this continent's large, unauthorized European population. The elders ultimately decided to extend a pathway to citizenship for those without criminal backgrounds.... Read More →