holderdimonJust after announcing his resignation as U.S. attorney general, Eric Holder has accepted a top job with Wall Street finance giant JPMorgan Chase.

Starting in early November, Holder will serve as JPMorgan Chase’s chief compliance officer, where his responsibilities will include lobbying Congress on the company’s behalf and ensuring it “gets the best deal possible” from any new proposed financial regulations. Holder will also fetch morning coffee and breakfast orders for CEO Jamie Dimon and board members.... Read More →


bradyhokecontract7The University of Michigan signed football Coach Brady Hoke to a new seven-year contract this morning.

According to local reports, the new deal will take effect at the end of this season, meaning Hoke will coach the Wolverines though the year 2021. In a campus press conference Michigan athletic director David Brandon explained the surprising move.... Read More →


186285546The largest oil field in the world was discovered yesterday just 30 kilometers off Scotland’s coast.

As many Scots reeled from the defeat of their push for independence, the British government announced that the massive oil field has the potential to produce up to 15 million barrels a day, if not more, generating trillions of dollars annually for decades.... Read More →


GE CEO And NFL Commissioner Goodell Announce Initiative To Study ConcussionsNFL Commissioner Roger Goodell donated $150 to a New York City battered women's shelter today.

The generous move follows a few rough weeks of controversies concerning physical abuse by National Football League players toward women and children. The league has seen several of its stars arrested on domestic violence charges, and is facing criticism it hasn't done enough to punish the players.... Read More →


Sarah Palin Launches Book Tour For Her Memoir, "Going Rogue"Sarah Palin has sent her condolences to “Braveheart” actor Mel Gibson in response to the defeat in the vote on Scotland’s independence.

In a letter addressed to Gibson, which was also posted on her Facebook page, Palin congratulated Gibson on his brave attempt to lead Scotland to independence.... Read More →


kanyebasketballcharityA charity basketball game didn’t go exactly as planned yesterday when Kanye West scored 106 points against a team of handicapped children in wheelchairs.

The game was a PR move intended to smooth over the controversy that erupted this week between Kanye and the disabled community. At one of his concerts recently West repeatedly asked wheelchaired fans to stand, and refused to apologize for his mistake afterwards.... Read More →


1280px-Commissioner_Goodell_at_the_2010_NFL_Draft_podiumThe National Football League plans to give players cash bonuses if they stay out of trouble with the law.

In a press conference this morning, NFL representatives said the new “Social Responsibility Club” will set up a series of milestones that will be paid out to players for a clean police record.... Read More →


palinumbrellaSarah Palin reminded a national television audience this morning to use their umbrellas during today's solar storm.

The former Alaskan governor appeared on Fox and Friends to promote her new children's book on how the liberal media is destroying America.  Midway though the interview, anchor Brian Kilmeade took a minute to update the audience on a breaking news story.... Read More →


SanFranciscoStrightMarriageThe City of San Francisco banned straight marriage today on the grounds that heterosexual behavior is unnatural and a threat to same-sex relationships.

In a close vote the city’s Board of Supervisors passed a resolution this morning barring opposite sex couples in the city from marrying one another effective immediately. All existing unions between one man and one woman will also be nullified.... Read More →


474455397India celebrated the installation of the country’s 100th toilet today.

In a posh ceremony outside Mumbai this afternoon, Prime Minister Narendra Modi unveiled a state-of-the-art dual-gender outhouse, which will serve a crowded government office building on the outskirts of the city.... Read More →


481235933Baltimore Ravens fans are rioting in the streets to protest running back Ray Rice’s release by their beloved NFL franchise.

According to local reports, 17 people were arrested last night after fans overturned cars, looted retail stores, and threw Molotov cocktails at police. Three injuries have been reported, one of them critical.... Read More →


163388444Boston’s Emerson College has announced it will offer a class on selfies as a part of the upcoming 2015 spring semester.

The course, called “My Self, My Selife: The Art of The Self Portrait,” will be an in depth study on the history of the narcissistic trend and compulsion of posting photos of oneself on social media.... Read More →