f_dc_trump_zing_150616Presidential candidate Donald Trump announced in a press conference today, that after much thought and careful consideration, he can finally think of one woman who is not, “ a disgusting animal.”

Trump admitted that this discovery took him a while, but as a candidate he realizes that “women are people too apparently.” Determined to get more female supporters, Trump held an intense focus groups at the Trump Plaza where after days of tests and research, he finally was able to discover one female that does not disgust him.... Read More →


RatricceFormer Baltimore Ravens running back Ray Rice has finally found a new job.

At a press conference in Cleveland this morning the disgraced NFL star publicly accepted UFC champion Ronda Rousey’s challenge to a “no-rules fight” to be televised later this year on Lifetime.  ... Read More →


f_dc_trump_zing_150616President Donald Trump launched an airstrike this morning against a New Jersey man who insulted him on Twitter.

According to local reports, fighter jets from the 169th airborne destroyed the home of Morristown resident Matt Jones with surface-to-air missiles sometime shortly before dawn.... Read More →


Jerry Thompson, an American astronaut who was in orbit this week, claims to have matched with an extraterrestrial on Tinder.

“It’s lonely out in space,” said Thompson in a recent press conference. “I miss the earth so much. I miss my wife. So yeah, sometimes I’ll go on Tinder just to see what’s out there. I always get the message ‘there’s no one new around you,’ but then I saw her.”... Read More →


God has denied ever speaking to Ted Cruz, just a day after the Republican presidential hopeful claimed he communicates with him daily.

Cruz made the boast last night, at the first Republican debate of the 2016 presidential cycle, moderated by Fox News in Cleveland.... Read More →


Planned Parenthood has defended its decision to sell aborted fetuses to fast-food giant Kentucky Fried Chicken, arguing that simply disposing of the bodies would be a “waste of protein”.

The United States Senate failed to defund Planned Parenthood this week, after a highly edited tape showed a potential client trying to purchase stem cells from aborted fetuses through their nationwide clinics.  ... Read More →


hulk-hogan-primaryHulk Hogan may have lost his job at the WWE, but a new poll shows the former wrestler may have a future career in politics.

Hogan, whose real name is Terry Bollea, was caught on tape this week using racial slurs and admitting that he is racist against African-Americans.... Read More →


greece party bailout beachGreece celebrated securing billions in new bailout funds yesterday by throwing an enormous $142 million public beach party outside Athens.

According to local reports an estimated 430,000 people attended the massive all-day event, which the Greek government organized to "relieve national stress" caused by protracted bailout negotiations with the EU and IMF.
... Read More →


pluto-garbage-doritosScientists are stumped after new images show a massive pile of human garbage on Pluto.

“How the Hell did McDonald’s bags and Snicker candy bar wrappers make its way to Pluto?” asked space scientist Todd Hammel, at a press conference today at NASA headquarters.... Read More →


cher-gay-weddingsSince the legalization of same sex marriage last month, performer Cher has been overwhelmed with requests to sing at gay weddings nationwide.

According to Cher’s website, which hasn’t been updated since Christmas of 2014, Cher had to cancel a bunch of shows last year due to a viral infection. The singer was just gearing up to go back on tour, but changed her mind after getting countless wedding requests.... Read More →


Starbucks Ariana Grande

Photo: Thinkstock

Starbucks has issued a nationwide ban on calling their 16oz size cups 'grandes,’ and now will refer to the medium size coffee only as ‘freediums.’ This comes days after the pop star Ariana Grande was caught licking donuts at a California shop, kissing her backup dancer boyfriend and saying, “I hate America, I hate America.”

Despite the fact that 'grande' actually means 'large' in Italian, Portuguese, Spanish and French, at Starbucks a 16oz size grande drink is perceived as a medium.... Read More →


DonaldTrumpHairpieceMexicoDonald Trump may be a leading critic of Mexican immigration to the United States, but new documents have revealed that the Republican presidential candidate may in fact be part Mexican.

According to a report in the Mexican newspaper La Grosella, the real estate mogul’s signature hairpiece has been custom-made in a factory outside Santa Nounlugar in the southern Oaxaca province since 1989.... Read More →